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MEG'S DIVERSION 

A DRAMA IN TWO ACTS 



by; 

h:''t:%raven 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the 
Original Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Casts of the Characters, Argument of the Play, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
grams of the Stage Settings, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions of the Performers, Expla- 
nation of the Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 

THE Stage Business. 



Copyright, 1890, by Harold Roorbach. 







NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



r 




MEG'S DIVERSION. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



New Royal Theatre, 

London, 

Oct. 17th, 1866. 



Jeremy Crow,« Devonshire ^^^_ j^^^^^j,_ 
farmer. ) 



IVallack^s Theatre, 

New York, 
Nov. i2th, 1867. 

Mr. John Gilbert. 
Mr. B. T. Ringgold. 

Mr. A. W. Young. 

Mr. J. B. Polk. 

Mr. J. W. Leonard. 
Cornelia, 'X daughters o/"l Miss Annie Bourke. Mrs. W. Winter. 
Margaret, j Crow. / Miss M. Oliver. Mrs. Clara Jennings, 

MRS.NETWELL,./M.(7r«;/,./. ^^^_ ^^ ^ ^^.^^ ^^^^.^ ^.^^^_ 

/T '7ft7/7/l'7fl I O J 

Villagers and Farm Laborers. 



} 



Mr. H. T. Craven. 



Jasper Pidgeon, a village 

carpenter. 

Roland Pidgeon, his brother. Mr. F Dewar. 
Eytem, an Exeter latvyer. Mr. Kenvvard. 



— a widow. 



Act I. — Parlor in Crow's Farm-house. 

Act II. — Garden in Crow's Farm. (In this act is realized Calderon's 
celebrated picture of " Broken Vows.") 

Three months are supposed to elapse between Acts I and II. 



Period, — The Present. 



Time of Playing, — One Hour and Three Quarters. 



4 MEGS DIVERSION. 

THE ARGUMENT. 

Jeremy Crow, a farmer supposed to be rich in owning the largest farm 
in the county, which for many years, however, has been mortgaged to its 
full value, hopes and intends that his two daughters shall marry rich men 
who will supply the funds necessary to relieve him from embarrassment 
rather than see their father-in-law disgraced by financial ruin. These 
matrimonial plans are strengthened by his elder daughter's betrothal to 
Ashley Merton, an aristocratic Squire who prides himself on being some- 
thing of a philosopher and is directing Cornelia's education so as to fit 
her to become mistress of Merton Hall. This is a sore trial to Mrs. 
Netwell, whose residence adjoins that of the Squire, who is sacrificing 
his regard for his fair neighbor in order to be philosophical. 

Meg, the farmer's younger daughter, is still fancy free but has an ardent 
admirer in Jasper Pidgeon, a young carpenter whose suit is discouraged 
by Meg's relatives because of his plebeian origin. But Jasper has recently 
been the recipient of a large fortune ; and for the sake of securing a loan 
with which to make a necessarily immediate payment, Crow induces Meg 
to let Jasper suppose himself an accepted suitor, which she consents to, 
accompanying the supposition with much ridicule and teasing. 

Jasper's brother, Roland Pidgeon, had been brought up by an uncle 
whose property he had expected to inherit; but for some slight misdemeanor 
on his part, the uncle's estate had, instead, been left to Jasper. The latter 
generously wishes to share his inheritance with Roland who, in turn, 
good-naturedly declines the generous offer, and, at the same time, resolves 
to avenge Meg's ill-treatment of his brother. Roland's education and 
experience, his appearance and manner being greatly superior to Jasper's 
his retaliation becomes easy and has a favorable opening through his saving 
Crow's life, which enables him to become a frequent visitor at the farm ; 
and he readily wins Meg's regard, which causes her much regret for 
Jasper whom she has learned to respect as a friend while the time 
approaches when she has promised him her definite answer. Mrs. 
Netwell's tenderness for the Squire has caused her to refuse repeated 
offers of marriage from Mr. Eytem, her lawyer, who is connected also in 
a business way with farmer Crow and the Pidgeon brothers. 

Ashley Merton becoming gradually conscious of his cooling affection 
for Cornelia, and desiring that her regard for him should be tested, 
induces RoLAND, ever ready for frolic, to profess love to the young lady 
who is away at school. Again, as in Meg's case, Roland woos success- 
fully, but this time loses his own heart ; and shortly afterward he and 
Cornelia return to the farm and make their intentions known, to the 
Squire's relief, and Crow's resentment until he learns that Roland is his 
uncle's heir after all. At first this sudden turn of affairs causes Meg much 
grief and humiliation, but she acknowledges that the unsparing lesson was 
richly deserved. Jasper, however, angrily resents his brother's conduct, 
in s]3ite of the latter's motive, and a furious quarrel is averted only by the 
interference of Meg who has found that she can and does love Jasper. 
The latter finally proves acceptable as a son-in-law to Crow, whose 
pecuniary hopes are now realized ; Eytem makes a virtue of necessity ; 



MEGS DIVERSION. 5 

Mrs. Netwell and Merton unite philosophy and matrimony; and 
general happiness results from Meg's Diversion. 

COSTUMES. 

Crow. — The usual dress of a substantial farmer ; cord breeches and top 
boots. 

Merton. — First Dress — Fashionable morning suit. Second Dress — 
Black ditto, white vest, and hat band. 

Jasper. — First Dress — Cord trowsers, brown short-tailed coat, blue 
velvet waistcoat, scarlet neck-tie, and white hat. Second Dress — Blue 
frock coat, drab trowsers, and billycock hat. 

Roland. — Fashionable morning suits. 

Eytem. — Black, with white neck-tie. 

CoRNELiA.--First Dress — Traveling dress. Second Dress — Light silk, 
with hat or bonnet. 

Margaret. — First Dress — Light print trimmed with blue, broad straw 
hat. Second Dress — Violet velvet jacket, black handkerchief on head, 

Mrs. Netwell. — Handsome silk dresses, shawl and bonnet. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Cheet of drawers, with mirror hanging over it, R., against 
flat. Table, with writing-materials on it, and two chairs, down R. c. Arm 
chair up R. C Small table L., against the flat. Chair up L. Basket of 
eggs, letter, and large placard bearing the word "Engaged," for Meg. 
Parcel and bank check for Jasper. Letter for Eytem. Glass and bottle 
(filled) in cupboard. Bonnet-box. 

Act II. — Rustic garden seat, R. c. Bundle of law papers and tape for 
Eyte.vi. Flower for Roland. Notes, in pocket-book, for Jasper. 

STAGE SETTINGS. 
ACT I. 



Door W/id-.. 

< I 1 ^- 




TubUW ^ 

Chair 

Do, 



,-*> 



Tablrll, n,Hlrs 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 
ACT II. 



Landscape Backing 



^ Gate I- 




Fence 




SCENE PLOT. 

Act T. — Plain chamber set in 3 G. Landscape backing in 4 G. In 
fiat, door c, and latticed window l. c. Door l. 2 e. Fire-place R. i E. 
Cupboard R. 3 E. 

Act II. — Garden in 3 g., backed with landscape backing in 4 g. Set 
house L., with entrance and porch at 1.. 2 e. Set wall, overgrown with 
ivy etc., running obliquely from house to fence which e.xtends across stage 
in 3 G. A gate, R. c, in fence. Gravel paths and made-up flower-beds in 
the foreground. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. R., means 
right; L., left; c, centre; R. c, right of centre; L. c, left of centre; u. p., 
door in the flat or back scene; R. f., right side of the flat; l. f., left side 
of the flat; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; C. D., centre door; I E., first 
entrance; 2 E., second entrance; U. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 G., first, 
second or third grooves ; UP STAGE, toward the back; down stage, toward 
the audience. 



R. 



R. C. 



L. C. 



L. 



Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introduction has been 
carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book protected 
by copyright. 




MEG'S DIVERSION. 



ACT 1. 



Scene. — The parlor of Jeremy Cko'V^' s farm-house — the apartment 
is well furnished, yet with much of the farm-house style. 

Crow and Cornelia are discovered, the latter fashionably attired 
for traveling. 

Crow, {at table, R. C. — L. of table) Well, lass, you look well fed 
and thriving, and though I'm no judge of edication, I dare say 
you're becoming quite accomplished like. Squire Merton has pro- 
mised to send in a pianoforte, to stand in that there recess ; so that 
you can practize your veryations and scaly things when you come 
home for a day or two. Let's see ! you're learning Italian, French, 
JoUick 

Cornelia, [putting on her bonnet before glass, R.) Logic, Moral 
Philosophy, Deportment, and many other things, papa. 

Crow. Papa! that gets over me — papa! That ever I, Jerry 
Crow, farmer, should be called papa ! but I suppose it's all right, 
as I'm to have the presumptuous heir to a baronacy for a son-in- 
law. 

Corn. Has Ashley told you when that is to be, papa? 

Crow. As soon as his uncle, who inherited an asthma, and the 
rest of the entailed property, dies ; he objects to the squire marry- 
ing " below par," as the pompous old aristocrat calls you. Now I 
consider edication is making you very much above pa, and fitting 
you for the envious position to which a marriage with Ashley Mer- 
ton, Esq., will elevate you. 

Corn. Well done, mon pere ; but grammar hardly comme ilfaut. 
How strange it seems, though ; a young lady of my age sent to 
boarding-school, and her schooling paid by her husband that is to be. 

Crow. It's only like buying the carcase of a house, and furnish- 
ing it to your own taste. 

Corn. Oh ! now you've upset all by your coarseness. 

Crow, (risiftg) Bless her; she's found out her father's coarse. 



8 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

There's the first good effect of edication. But I'm nous-y eh, 
Nell ? Many a man would have thrown up his cards with such a 
hand as mine ; but I've played on, and kept up the impression that 
I was rich in trumps. 

Corn. But you are rich, papa, are you not? 

Crow. Sit down, Nell ; it's only right you should be undeceived. 
[they sit) I'm in Queer-street, and that's the truth. 

Corn. (r. ) Queer-street! where' s that? 

Crow. (r. c. ) I'm not rich ; to be sure I have the reputation of 
farming my own freehold, and I haven't felt bound to tell people 
that my farm has been for many years mortgaged to its full value, 
so that in fact if I was wound up I couldn't go on. 

Corn. You astonish me ! I have boasted to all our young ladies 
that you owned the largest farm in the county. 

Crow. Well, you can still boast ; it does no harm. If I can but 
get my two girls well married, I shall have reaped the crop for 
which I have tilled ; and then, if my rich sons-in-law won't back 
me up, I must disgrace them by being sold up. 

Corn. Oh, horrible ! it will disgrace mc, papa. 

Crow. Of course it will, and very soon, too, unless I can borrow 
two thousand pounds to pay arrears of interest ; and that's what I 
call being in Queer-street. 

Corn. Do you not know anybody who might, could, would or 
should lend you the money ? 

Crow. Only one, and he might, could, and won't. 

Corn. Who is that ? 

Crow. Jasper Pidgeon. 

Corn. The carpenter ? 

Crow. The carpenter. His uncle has died abroad and left him 
considerable property, when he didn't look for a shilling, for his 
brother Roland was the old man's favorite — brought up by him as 
a gentleman with expectations — but, by George, he doesn't get a 
blessed fraction. 

Corn. And have you asked that simpleton, Jasper, to do it? 

Crow. I have ; but to use his own unedicated words, he " didn't 
seem to see the pull ! " The truth is, I have no security to offer. 

Corn. Then it's a hopeless case ? 

Crow. No, it isn't, if your sister Meg will assist me ; the fellow 
is head-over-ears in love with her. 

Corn. Plebeian individual ! Dear papa, you would never think 
of espousing her to a mechanic ? [rising] 

Crow, [rising) There you go ! there you go ! I don't want her to 
" espouse " him, as you call it ; but if we could only get her to let 
him suppose that he might be an accepted beau, I am sure he 
would readily buy my consent by the loan I want. 

Corn, (r.) Margaret doesn't care anything for him, does she ? 

Crow. (l. ) Lord, she is so full of coltish skittishness, plaguing the 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 9 

poor simpleton out of the little sense there is in his glue-pot of a 
head — in fact, Jasper Pidgeon is Meg's diversion ! 

Corn. Then, we must persuade her it would be a good joke to let 
him think she's fiancde to him. 

Crow. Feearncy ? Oh, I know what you mean — humbug him 
to any extent ! Hush ! here she is. 

Meg, with a basket of eggs, runs in door, R. 

Meg. [down c.) Fourteen eggs this morning ! where's Corny ? 
Ah, there she is, as large as life, [puts down her hat attd basket on 
table, .K.) Oh, you dear, pretty fine lady of a sister, how thorough- 
bred you look ! Going away again to school ? — ha, ha, to school ! 
" A was an archer and shot at a frog ! " What's French for frog ? 
Is it masculine or feminine? Answer me. Miss, without hesita- 
tion, or ril complain to your French master. 

Corn, (r.) Oh, Margaret, don't be so obstreperous! 

Meg. (C.) There's a word! oh my ! — obstreperous! Father 
calls it " obstroporous," don't you, daddy .-' 

Corn. He's most indiscriminate in his vowels. 

Crow, [aside, L.) Now my vowels arn't right ! 

Corn, [to Meg) Wow frivo/e you are. dear. 

Meg. Here we are again — "fjivole ! " Paries vans Franc ais? 
qu'estce que cest toujours jamais paddy-whack? Ha ! ha ! ha ! give 
us all French, or all English, Corny. 

Crow. Don't be so infernally flighty ! 

Meg. There, that's English — such as it is — but what's the mat- 
ter. Corny, dear ? you look out of sorts ; don't mind me ; I won't 
be frivole if you don't like it, for I do love my sister, and admire 
her too! Forgive my nonsense, won't you, dear? [kisses her) 

Crow, (l.) Lord bless you, Meg, she doesn't mind, no more do 
I ; we have just been splitting our sides about your cracking your 
jokes on Jasper Pidgeon. I do enjoy it and that's the truth. 

Meg. (c.) Poor Jasper ; but doesn't he take it good-naturedly! 
What do you think, Corny ? The other day I pinned a duster to 
his coat-tail, and as he went home the boys began to shout " what 
a tail our cat's got," and then he found it and hunted the boys for 
having put it there — I was never suspected, ha ! ha ! 

Corn. I'm told he has ?^ penchant for you. 

Meg. Penchant! The idea of Jasper having a French sensation. 
Well, I think he is fond of me. Oh, I could have a lovev if I 
liked, as well as my lady sister. 

Corn, (r.) It would bean exquisite diversion to make him believe 
you loved him. 

Crow, (l.) It would, and that's the truth ; for the impudent fel- 
low told somebody the other day, who told me the day after, that 
love was like water to you, and your heart was like a duck's 
back. 



lO MEG'S DIVERSION. 

Meg. Well, you know, the duck's back was clever. 

Crow. But he needn't have called you marble — no by-the-bye, 
" stone " was the word ; he said you was a precious stone. 

Meg. Does the young slanderer talk of me in that way? He 
shall have the stone back again. I'll make him believe that I'm 
dying of love for him. 

Crow. Ha ! ha ! and let him suppose that I set my face against 
it ; eh, Nell ? 

Corn. Yes, to see what the simpleton will do. 

Meg. Oh, he's not such a simpleton as you think ; he can give a 
rub if he hkes ; but he'll take anything from me, and would it be 
quite right to take advantage of that weakness? 

Crow. Pooh, pooh, it will take him down a peg, if you just keep 
up the game for a week or two. 

Corn. Yes, do, and write me full particulars. I shall enjoy the 
fun as much as though I were here to see it. 

Meg. Poor Jasper ! 

Crow. He deserves it — you know that. 

Meg. He has a very tender heart, I know that. 

Crow. Hang it, Meg ! don't go and really fall in love. 

Meg. Oh, no fear of that. 

Corn. Now do it to oblige me ; there's a darling. 

Meg. I will, Corny ; I'd do anything in the world ^ov you. 

Corn. Stone as you are ? 

Meg. The monster, to set about such a repoit as that ! I'll have 
no mercy on him. 

Crow. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, Meg does cheer me up with her 
frolics, and that's the truth. 

Meg. Yes, dad ; I'm so " frivole,'' ain't I ? [a loud single knock 
at door in flat, which makes thetn start) 

Crow. Bless us, and save us ! 

Corn. Bon Dieu! 

Meg. It's Jasper ; he always knocks as if he'd thrown a brick at 
the door, [ppejts door in flat) 

Jasper appears, in his holiday suit, holding a parcel in his hand. 

Meg. [up stage, R. c.) Oh, what a swell ! 

Jasp. {up stage c.) Out for the day. D'ye like this style? 

Meg. How genteel ! 

Jasp. Well, it's neat and unpresuming, isn't it? Oh, lor! there's 
Miss Cornelian, I declare ! [goes down to her, R. c. — Meg remains 
up, R. C.) 'Pon my word, I'm glad to see you. Miss Crow, senior ; 
you don't look half so peaky as you used to. Of course you're 
still delicate and lady-like ; but I mean you look fresh and whole- 
some. 

Corn. (r. ) Wholesome — the idea ! 



MEG'S DIVERSION. II 

Jasp. No, I don't mean you look wholesome, but — {drops 
parcel) I beg your pardon, that's a little present for — [sees Crow 
and crosses over io him, L. c.) How are you, governor? 

Crow, (l.) I'm glad to see you, Jasper, [shakes hands — Jasper 
drops parcel) 

Jasp. (l. c. ) Then it's lucky I dropped in — isn't it? I say, 
somebody important has arrived, [puis parcel on table at back l. ) 

Meg. (r. c, upstage) So it seems. 

Jasp. No ; 1 mean — who do you think has come down to stay 
with me ? Why, brother Roly ! Such a noble-looking fellow ! 
his moustachios alone command respect — at right angles with his 
nose, bless you — a la Hemperor. 

Meg. Like pussy's whiskers. 

Jasp. And such a gift of the gab — there — talk about flowency — 
but it's the style, mind you ! 

Corn, (r.) Distingue? 

Jasp. (r. c. ) Distinctly! And he's a perfect Tower of Babel 
in languages ; why there was an Italian organ-grinder came before 
the window this morning, and to hear the no-mistaky way in 
which Roly directed him, in his own language, to go to the — I 
beg pardon, ladies, I was going to say, the devil, [crosses to R. C.) 

Corn. Oh! 

Jasp. Devil-o is what he called it, Miss Cornelian. 

Corn. My name is Corneha. 

Jasp. Ah ! so it is ; though why and wherefore, I never could 
guess. 

Meg. [who has come down L. c.) She was named after the neck- 
lace her godmother gave her, of course. 

Jasp. Well, my godfather gave me a silver spoon, but they 
didn't christen me " Spoony." 

Meg. No ; your sponsors didn't do the correct thing. 

Jasp. Correct ! Now, that's sourcaustic ; but I don't mind you, 
Meg — you're always giving me a dig. But look out when Roland 
comes! — talk about Rolands for Olives — eh, governor? 

Crow, (l. ) Well, bring him here to amuse us. 

Jasp. (r. c.) Oh! he's not particular as to his company ; I'll 
bring him. 

Corn, (r.) And the mustache recherche? 

Jasp. Ah ! your remarks are French polished — a cut above me 
that; though this morning I partly translated a Scotch song into 
Latin. 

Meg. (l. c.) Who said "learned pig?" — that's very rude! 

Jasp. [expostulating) Now, governor 

Crow. I didn't say it; but bless us and save us — a carpenter 
learning Latin! 

Meg. The learned gentleman of the bench. 

Corn. Favor us with your chanson in the dead language. 



12 MEG'S DI VERSION. 

Meg. Dead ! Yes, if Jasper sings, he'll nuivder it. 

Jasp. Go it, Meg ! Well, I saw in a book that corpus was Latin 
for "body," so it immediately occurred to me to adopt it to 
music. [si?igs) 

" Gin a corpus meet a corpus, coming through the rye, 
Gin a corpus kiss a corpus, need a corpus cry." 

All laugh — Meg crosses at back to R. C. ; Qkovj goes up to window. 

Well, that's the way Miss Cornelian speaks French. 

Meg. {aside to Cornelia) There, I told you he could give a 
rub. 

Crow. There's Merton waiting to escort you to the coach, Nell. 

Jasp. (l.) Talking about him reminds me to tell you that I 
made an investment yesterday. 

Crow, {at table, R. c.) You mean that you bought a new waist- 
coat, or 

Meg. (r. C.) a straight-waistcoat. 

Jasp. [expostulating') Now, governor. 

Crow. [ pointing to iA'^G) 6"//^ said straight-waistcoat — goon. 

Jasp. You know Eytem, of the firm of Pepper and Gulp, the 
Exeter lawyers? — well, he comes to me and says he's got Mrs. 
Netwell's little estate to sell for three thousand pound — dash'd if 
I didn't clinch it, there and then. 

Meg. Who said " fools and their money ? " 

Jasp. (l. — expostulating^ Now, governor ! 

Crow, [coming dcnvn c.) I didn't say so ; but, my lad, I think 
you've put your foot in it. 

Jasp. No, I shan't even put my foot in it ; for I sold it to-day 
for four thousand^ha, ha ! Had you there, governor ! Who do 
you think bought it? 

Corn. Some madman, I should think. 

Jasp. [crossing to L. c.) Yes, your lover, Hashley Mutton, Esq. 

Corn. "Ashley Merton," if you please, sir. 

Crow. (l. to Jasper) How queer you are in your vowels ! 

Jasp. Now, governor — well, a thousand clear shan't be such a 
bad spec, eh ? 

Crow. Ah! luck's better than brains ; but I think Ashley has 
acted rashly. 

Corn. The estates join ; he knows what he is about, papa. But 
I mustn't keep him waiting. Bon jour, Mr. Pidgeon. [aside to him) 
Don't trifle with poor Margaret. 

Jasp. Eh ? 

Corn, [goes to Meg. r. c.) Margaret, a7i revoir! I shall see 
you again in a month. Don't come to see me, dear ; the young 
ladies are such quizzes. 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 1 3 

Meg. (r.) Ah! you're ashamed of homely Meg — well, I don't 
wonder at it; but they can't quiz my own sister, she's better than 
any of them, [kisses her) Good bye, darling ! 

Crow, {^at back, putting on hat, and taking up a bonnet-box) I'lt 
see you on to the road. 

Corn, [aside to Meg) Don't forget your diversion. 

Exeunt Crow and Cornelia, door in flat. 

Meg. (r. c. ) Isn't she a pretty creature? 

Jasp. (l. c.) Well, I'm not given to soap, or I'd venture upon 
saying I know a prettier, [fetching parcel from tab/e at back, i..) 
Now, look here, Meg ; I've been and took the liberty of buying 
you a shawl — [gives parcel) — 'cause in that easter wind on Easterly 
Sunday, you looked as cold as a stone. 

Meg. Ah ! you think me as cold as a stone, do you ? 

Jasp. Put the thing aside — don't undo it till I'm gone. 

Meg. [p2its it in drazuer, R.) How am I ever to return it ? 

Jasp. Return it — nonsense — keep it ! 

Meg. [coming forward, R. c.) I'm sure the shawl will increase 
the warmth of my feeling, but you don't expect it will make me 
love you, do you ? 

Jasp. (l. c. ) Oh, no ; I'm not such a fool as that comes to ; you 
are too superior an article for me, and I know it — you don't care 
two-pence for me, and I know it — and if I love you, Meg, it's 
because I can't help it, in spite of all your sky-larking. 

Meg. Oh Jasper ; I'm not a stone ! 

Jasp. Yes you are, Meg — a precious stone. 

Meg. You don't believe I've a heart for anybody. 

Jasp. [with a little emotion) Yes ; when Mr. Wright comes, I 
shall have the — the undescribable pleasure of seeing him walk off 
with you, and I only hope that Wright will be up to the mark, and 
make you a good husband. 

Meg. Oh, go along, now, do ! Don't say such things, don't. 
Jasper, I care for nobody in the world but you ; I'm a weak, foolish 
girl, I know, but your charms have conquered. 

Jasp. My what? 

Meg. Don't you see that I adore you ? 

Jasp. Meg ! 

Meg. Now despise me! It's like all the men — as soon as they 
know a poor girl dotes on them they trample her under foot, [^she 
pretends to cry, and sits R. ) 

Jasp. You — you take my breath away ! Don't joke — don't joke 
with me, Meg, pray don't. 

Meg. Joke! There you go ! that's right I trample on me — dance 
on my tenderest feelings — accuse me of joking — do ! 

Jasp. You mean to say you — oh lor ! — 1-love me ? 

Meg. Oh, don't I ? 

Jasp. And I ignorant 



14 MEGS DIVERSION. 

Meg. No doubt of it. 

Jasp. Look here, Meg. You are too good to deceive a poor 
fellow who worships the ground you sit upon. Say you love me, in 
three words, and I'll beheve you. 

Meg. In three words — don't I love you ! No, that's four. Never 
mind — keep in " don't." But why did I tease you so, Jasper, if I 
didn't? — answer me that, [rises and comes forward, R. c.) 

Jasp. Well, if that's a proof of love, I'm convinced on the spot. 
But, Meg — dear Meg, you never gave me the faintest hint. 

Meg. Because I thought father would never consent. 

Jasp. And do you think he will now ? 

Meg. I don't know — ask him. 

Jasp. I will. Lord ! it gives me such a palpitation, because it's 
come on me in such a clap-of-lightning way ; I've often gone so far 
as to dream of you, but I never dreamed to such a pitch as to — 
oh ! may I — excuse me if it's coming it too strong — may I mortise 
our httle understanding with a — excuse me for giving it a name— a 
kiss? 

Meg. Oh, I couldn't ; 'pon my word, I couldn't. I'll bank it for 
you till father consents. You may kiss the back of my hand, if you 
please ; it's just as good, {offers her hand) 

Jasp. Well, that's a matter of opinion ; but I've a lively imag- 
ination, so upon these hps [kissing her hand) which matter-of-fact 
people would call fingers, I swear you've made me as happy as any 
fellow can be, without going ramping mad. 

Meg. [going to cupboard, ^.) Won't you take something after 
your fright ? Have a glass of wine. 

Jasp. I will, and pledge myself to you. A glass of wine from 
your hands is something to smack my own lips over. 

Meg. [fills glass and gives it) Make haste! here's father com- 
ing. 

Jasp. (c.) I was going to make a few pre — pre — liminary 
remarks 

Meg. Make haste ! 

Jasp. [tips it off) Bah — booh— phit ! Why, that's vinegar! 
[crosses over to fireplace, R., spitting) 

Meg. [smelling the bottle) Oh, lor ! so it is. Forgive me — forgive 
me, Jasper — my own one ! I have done for you! 

Jasp. (r.) No, but you've pickled me ; but you didn't do it on 
purpose, did you ? 

Meg. (l.) Oh, Jasper! can you think me such a stone? 

Jasp. It wouldn't be the first trick you'd played me ; but I don't 
think you'd do such a thing now. (Meg replaces bottle and glass in 
cupboard — Jasper crosses to l.) 

Enter Crow, door in flat. 

Crow. There, I've handed Nell over to the care of her lover ; no 



MEGS DIVERSION. I 5 

doubt he's bursting to say some tender things, for a lover's mouth 
is full of sweets— isn't it, Jasper? 

Jasp. (l.) Well, there's a slight acidity about mine. 

Crow, (c.) Ah, but you arn't a lover. 

Jasp. That's all you know about it, governor. 

Crow. Meg, you're my secretary ; drop a line to Eytem, the law- 
yer; say he shall hear from me next week — that's all ; here's pen 
and paper. 

Meg. All right, dad. [takes paper, &->c., crosses to L., and speaks 
aside /<? Jasper) Speak now, dear, dearer, dearest Jasper! speak 
forcibly — put it strong, {smothers Iter laughter, andexit l. door) 

Crow. (r. c.) Soh, young Pidgeon, you've got possession of your 
property ? 

Jasp. (l. C.) a decent slice of it. But, upon my word, I can't 
help feeling for poor Roly ; my conscience won't let me sleep if I 
don't do something handsome for him. 

Crow. Pooh, pooh ! if your brother's a dashing fellow, he'll find 
a rich wife ; as for you, keep your money, and jyoie can afford to 
marry who you like — think of that! 

Jasp. No, I couldn't ; because, put it this way— suppose her 
father wouldn't make himself agreeable in the matter-' 

Crow. Money is a strong argument to the parential ear. 

Jasp. Then let it argufy with ^6i«, governor. I love Meg ! There, 
it's out ! 

Crow, {retreating B..) What! 

Jasp. And she loves me. (Crow approaches him) Stop, stop — 
don't kick me out just yet. She's as dutiful as she is beautiful, and 
won't give me any encouragement without your consent. 

Crow, [takes chair and sits R. C. ) And am I to suppose you are 
now asking it? 

Jasp. Down as a hammer ! Draw it mild, there's a good gover- 
nor. I feel as if I was waiting for an enlightened jury to bring in 
a verdict of life and death. 

Crow. ( folding his arms) Now, look you here, Pidgeon. That girl 
is the apple-pip of my eye. I have had hopes that she, like her 
sister, might pair off with a aristocrat; she ought to, and that's 
the truth. Now you coolly ask me to give up those hopes and hand 
her over to you — you ask it, who denied me a loan, a paltry assist- 
ance which would relieve me from much anxiety. Now, that re- 
fusal of yours stacks in my throat. 

Jasp. [getting chair and sitting l.. C.) Well, if that is the obstacle 
to your swallowing me govenor, cough it up at once. You see, 
lending to Jack, Tom, or Bill is one thing, but lending to the indi- 
vidual we are expecting to call father is another. 

Crow, Never shall it be said that I sell my child for a paltry 
two thousand pound ! 

Jasp. Certainly not ! and never shall it be said that I buy Meg. 



1 6 MEGS DIVERSION. 

You shall have the paltry two thousand, governor, whether you 
consent or no. 

Crow. Your generosity knocks me off my legs, {rising) Setting 
money out of the question, I will not oppose your visits. 

Jasp. [?-ising) Then I lend the money and you consent ; but 
there's neither buying nor selling. 

Crow, [shakes hands) Your hand — when can I have the 
money ? 

Jasp. (l. c.) The paltry two thousand? Whenever you like. 
When can I have Meg ? 

Crow. (r. c.) Whenever she likes. I won't interfere in her 
arrangements. Here she is — don't say anything to her about the 
money, or she'll fancy she's sold. 

Jasp. D'ye take me for a fool ? 

Crow, (r., aside) I do. 

Enter 'lA'E.Gtfrom doorL., zvith a letter in one hand, and in the other, 
which she conceals behind her, is a paper. 

Meg. (crossing at back) Dad, here's your letter, [gives it; 
Jasper beckons her— she conies, C.) 

Jasp. (l., aside to Meg) Done it — right as a plummet! Oh, 
Meg ! what a happy day this is for me. [goes up) 

Crow, (r., aside to Meg) Meg, you've done it, right as a trivet! 
— keep it up— rare diversion ! (Crow^^^-^ tip stage) Now I'll post 
this, and meet Squire Merton, who will most likely come back 
with me. [aside to Jasper, who is np stage, l.) Let me have the — 
humph — in a hour. 

Jasp. [aside to him) Oh, the paltry two — all right! (exit Crow, 
door in flat) 

Jasp. [conies forward, L.) Meg — I may go so far as to say, 7ny 
Meg, now — it's done ! he has consented— we may consider our- 
selves engaged. 

Meg. (r. c.) Oh, isn't it nice when you come to think of it? 
Whatever is the matter with your coat behind ? 

Jasp. (l. c.) Rumpled? 

Meg. No, your collar's sticking up; such a fright ; turn round 
and I'll put it down, [she pins on his collar a paper on which is 
written in large print letters " Engaged.") Keep still ! there, 
that's evidently better — anybody can see that. 

Jasp. Mind, I shan't tell anybody I'm engaged yet. [turns with 
his back to the audiejice) 

Meg. No, there's not the slightest occasion. 

Jasp. Not even Roly, though I'm sure he'll be as pleased as 
Punch to think I am so lucky ; and I really don't know what there is 
in me for agirl like you, who could have picked from the whole par- 
ish, to take a fancy to ; but if ever I play with your feelings, Meg, 



MEG'S DIVERSION. \) 

then I hope I may lose you ; and that's as much as saying I wish 
I may die. May I draw the 'foresaid kiss out of the bank now ? 

Meg. Wait till interest accumulates. 

Jasp. Then it must be compound interest, because I could make 
use of any amount just now. (Roland appears at window in flat) 
Oh, lor ! here is brother Roly. 

Roland, [outside, at window) Soh, I've found you, have 1? Ah, 
in good company, too. (Jasper runs and opens the door) 

Roland enters and comes down L. 

Pardon my intrusion, Miss Rook 

Jasp. (c.) Crow, Roly, Crow! 

Roland. I would if I could ; but I can't. 

Jasp. This is Miss Margaret Crow, the youngest daughter of 
Farmer Crow, Esquire. (Roland bows) 

Meg. (r. , curtseys ) At your service, Mr. Turtle. 

Roland, {crosses to C. ) Turtle ! My name is Pidgeon. 

Jasp. (l.) Lord! don't you see that's her fun, Roly? You'll 
relish it when you get as seasoned as I am. 

Roland. Oh, we'll get used to one another, never fear ; she'll 
find I'm as fond of joking as she is. (to Meg) You must take me 
over the farm ; show me the pigs and chickens — (live eggs and 
bacon) — lambs skipping about the fields— suggestive and poetical 
— makes one dream of mint sauce. Daphne and Phillis, green peas 
and gravy, to say nothing of pastorals suggested by the pretty 
guide, [sings) 

" Father's a farmer, sir, she said — sir, she said. 
I'm glad that I came here, my pretty maid !" 

Meg. [sings) " Nobody axed you, sir, she said ! " 

Jasp. [aside to Roland) That's good, isn't it? I told you she 
was sharp, didn't I ? [crosses to c. — aside to Meg) He's clever, 
isn't he ? 

Roland, (l., seeing paper on Jasper's back) Holloa, Jasper, 
you're engaged, are you ? 

Jasp. (C, turning sharply round) How do you know that? Did 
you read it in the newspaper ? 

Roland. Yes ; in a back impression. 

Jasp. [aside /^ Meg) Isn't he artful ? [to Roland) You read it 
in my phizmahogany, I suppose ? 

Roland. And behind your back. 

Jasp. Ha! ha ! behind my back— a queer direction ! 

Roland. Yes, it is a queer direction. 

Jasp. (c.) Well, you've hit the right nail on the head anyhow. 
[aside to Meg) I think we may as well tell him. [to Roland) 



1 8 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

Your sagacity, brother, is soniething marvelous. I am engaged, 
and I'm proud to say to this dear girl — though mum ! 'cause we 
don't want it known yet ; friends are apt to make a joke of it. 

Roland, (l. ) Yes ; it's so deuced kind of friends to do that, isn't 
it? 

Jasp. (c.) Don't bottle up your emotions, Ro' ; congratulate a 
fellow, won't you ? 

Roland. To be sure. The Pidgeons ought to feel proud of the 
marked distinction conferred on one of the family, though I shan't 
forget, on some future opportunity, to pick a crow with the young 
lady. 

Jasp. Pick a crow — that's good ; but, considering we are Pidg- 
eons, I would say, avoid jocularity about names ; you know, Roly, 
people might call us 

Roland. Carrier pidgeons. 

Jasp. (c) Or knock us down, and call us tumblers. 

Meg. (R.) Oh, I don't see any harm in a jest. 

Roland. (L. ) Nor in making a man a jest book ? 

Meg. Some people have a peculiar talent for spoiling jokes. 

Roland, [crossing to C.) Well, I won't spoil one; retaliation is 
my system, and 1 can be most unmerciful — even to a pretty girl. 

Jasp. [io Meg) He's down on you, because you called him Mr. 
Turtle. Give it him again, Meg, while I just run home to get some- 
thing I promised the governor. I shan't be long. Don't be afraid 
of Roly ; he's playful, but there's no vice in him. [ricnning up c, 
and off door in flat) 

Roland, (l. c.) And will you suffer him to go like that, Miss 
Crow ? 

Meg. (r. C. ) He's not such a simpleton as to mind a joke. 

Roland. But, evidently, your object is to make everybody think 
him a simpleton. 

Meg. Oh, goodness ! pray don't make a crime out of such a 
trifle. 

Roland. No ; but I fear that is not the worst of it. He consid- 
ers himself engaged, does he not? 

Meg. That's the joke. 

Roland. Oh, that's the joke ! But you don't consider you are 
engaged ? 

Meg. How absurd ! Of course not. 

Roland. Now, that is no joke ; tearing that inscription from his 
heart— simpleton as you think him — may give him more pain than 
tearing the label from his back. 

Meg. What a superior Sunday-school teacher you would make. 
Do give me a lesson. 

Roland, [aside) I will; and one you won't easily forget. 

Meg. People who can't tell jest from earnest deserve to be played 
upon. 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 1 9 

Roland. Oh, you think so? Well, shake hands; I won't be 
angry. Something convinces me that whoever is lucky enough to 
catch you ought to be a happy fellow ; but poor Jasper is not the 
man. Now, we are friends, are we not? 

Meg. If you please ; and I hope you won't think me cruel to 
your brother, for I do like him, and I'll beg his pardon — you see 
if I won't. My making him believe we were engaged, was more to 
divert my sister than myself. 

Roland. Oh, your sister ; she's at Madame Blanche's seminary, 
isn't she? I knew madame in Paris, and mean, when I have 
time, to look her up in Exeter; and — who knows? — I may there 
have the pleasure of making your sister's acquaintance. 

Meg. Such a dear girl ! Now she is a girl to admire if you like ; 
but recollect, you mustn't fall in love with her, or Squire Merton 
will shoot you hke a partridge. Oh, talk of the 

Merton ^^55^^ window and enters door in flat. 

Mert. [down C.) Your servant, Miss Exuberant. I'll wait here 
for your father, who is taking stock of his turkeys, and requires 
your assistance, [fia-ns and sees Kola'HT)) Roland! 

Roland. (L.) Soh, Philosopher Merton, you have not forgotten 
your comrade of the Boulevard? 

Meg. (r. ) Why, Mr. Merton, you never said you knew Jaeper's 
brother, but since you are acquaintances, 141 leave you together, 
while I go and see what little turkeys are hatched, [runs off, door 
in flat) 

Mert. (r. c.) You know, I unagine, what sort of footing I am 
on here ? 

Roland, (l. c.) About to amalgamate with the Crow family, 
eh? 

Mert. Well, that will not be a surprise to you, who know my 
favorite theory — begin at the beginning, create, so to speak. I 
found in Miss Crow a young mind — uncultivated, indeed, but 
untampered with, and I conceived the project of forming it after 
my own theory. Why should not the female brain be braced by 
tonic education to masculine tension? [sits R. of table) 

Roland, [sits L. of table, R. C. ) But her heart 

Mert, I should wish my wife's heart trained, so to speak, even 
as my steed is trained to its manege — as I would break a horse, so 
would I break my wife's heart. 

Roland. What? 

Mert. I mean break in her heart, and break in her head ; per- 
haps that's ambiguous — -I merely mean that her thoughts and 
affections should, with the loadstone's verticity, turn ever to me 
as her guiding point. 

Roland. Sublime in theory, ridiculous in practice ! Love is the 



20 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

only professor who can teach— what do you call it P^verticity. 
Has she any love for you ? 

Mert. Well, I fancy even that I am creating ; and as one tests a 
gun before purchase, so I should like to prove her heart. 

Roland. Yes, I've heard of such things as bursting hearts. 

Mert. An experimental idea strikes me ; you are personable 
enough for my purpose ; do me a service — profess love — test her 
for me, will you ? 

Roland. An eccentric request, but when I see this spirited lady, 
I'll try if she's above proof, though I have first a httle affair of my 
own with the saucy sister ; she has turned my brother into public 
ridicule, and I mean to revenge the family insult lege talionis. 

Mert. {rises) Serve her right ! Why, even I, Ashley Merton, am 
not secure from her rustic satire. Your brother, whom I believe to 
be a very worthy youth in his station, though, by-the-bye, he 
annoys me by calling me "hashed mutton," which I wish you'd 
correct him of, your brother and I have had a transaction to- 
day. 

Roland, {forward, L. c. ) He bought Mrs. Netwell's estate. 

Mert. (l. c. ) And I have given him a thousand pounds for his 
bargain. Now, why did I do this ? 

Roland. Because you coveted your neighbor's goods. 

Mejt. Because I am not satisfied with the house erected by my 
ancestors. I wish tg, build — to design — to create, so to speak, an 
edifice for myself. 

Roland. Then why didn't you buy of Mrs. Netwell? 

Mert. Simply because she would not sell her land to me. The 
fact is, the fair widow and I are not on a commercial footing since 
it has become known that I am modeling Cornelia Crow to be 
Mistress of Merton Hall. Well, I confess that I did previously 
entertain some idea of elevating Mrs. Netwell to that post, and she 
is not without qualifications ; but a widow, pah ! Had she been a 
widow of my own creating now — no, by-the-bye, that couldn't be. 

Roland. Unless you had killed her husl^and. 

Mert. Poor thing, how mortified she will be when she learns the 
Grange has fallen into my hands. I wouldn't meet her now for 
worlds. 

Crow, [wii/iout] Don't attack me, ma'am ; I know nothing about 
the affair. (Crow appears at door in flat) Oh, Mr. Merton is here ; 
now you can have it out with him. 

Enter Q.KO\^ , followed by Mrs. Netwell, door in flat — Mrs. Net- 
well goes down c. — Ckow remains at back, L. c, Merton, 
extreme r., Roland, r. c. 

Merton. {aside to Roland) By Nemesis, here she is ; she'll create 
a scene. (Roland ^(7« up stage) 

Mrs. N. (l. c.) Soh, Mr. Merton, I am just informed that you 



MEC/S D [VERSION. 2\ 

have outwitted me, and obtained possession of Netwell, knowing 
that my object in selling it was to prevent you — yon, above all per- 
sons, from acquiring it. 

Merton. (r. c.) My dear Sophia 

Mrs. N. Oh, sir, you have acted in a very manly manner — very ; 
you will enjoy your triumph, no doubt — you are 

Crow, [coming down C. ) Stop, stop ! Situated as I am, ma'am, it 
would be most hurtful to my feelings to hear Mr. Merton blown up 
— I mean run down. Allow me to retire into the stock-yard. 
[goes up) 

Roland. {t(p stage, R.) I'll join you, and fraternize with the pigs. 
I'm the brother of Jasper Pidgeon. 

Crow. (l. c. ) Bless me, how d'ye do? let's look at your mous- 
tachios ; I've heard them extensively spoke of — come along ! 

Exeunt Crow and Roland, door in flat. 

Mart, (r.) Then, madam, you have followed me for the sole pur- 
pose of loading me with reproaches ? 

Mrs. N. (l.) No, sir, I did not follow you. Mr. Crow, whom I 
met, informed me of your trick — now, Mr. Merton, you are a gen- 
tleman 

Mert, Granted. 

Mrs. N. And I am an unprotected widow. 

Mart. Unprotected ! can I do anything? 

Mrs. N. Do anything ? have you not acted like an enemy ? 
What have I done to you, that you should be my enemy? {wipes 
her eyes) 

Mert. Good heavens! I am nobody's enemy — least of all yours ! 
Have we not been brought up together — friends in youth — friends 
in maturity — friends in — no, we'll stop at maturity. 

Mrs. N. And yet, as you well know, my only motive in selling 
my property was to remove to some spot where, at least, I might 
be spared the pain of seeing you lead home a — a — Ashley, you 
have not behaved well to me ; you know it, for you are a man of 
sagacity, not to say intellect. I have good reason to entertain some 
little womanly resentment. 

Mert. Resentment! what is there to resent? 

Mrs. N. Do you ask that — you? Did you not deliberately throw 
yourself in my widowed path — ^dazzle by your superior attainments 
— allure by your fascinations — 

Mert. [aside) This woman is far above the average in intelli- 
gence. 

Mrs. N. And when you had created a sympathy — I admit it to 
you as a man of refined sentiment — which I had never before 
known, did I not suddenly hear that you had adopted a farmer's 
daughter to train for the position which — I appeal to you as a man 
of honor — you had given me reason to anticipate as my own ? 

Mert. Mrs. Netwell — Sophia — I confess 1 was culpable ; I ought 



22 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

to have known that the gallantries of a man of my — as you sug- 
gest — intellect, are calculated to make a more than ordinary 
impression. You are, to say the least, an appreciative woman, and 
I'll tell you what I'll do. You shall have Netwell Grange again at 
the price you sold it ; the odd thousand 1 will cheerfully forfeit as a 
fine for past indiscretion. Will that suffice ? 

Mrs. N. I accept your offer ; but, as I said, I cannot remain 
here ; don't persuade me — my heart is broken ! Oh, Ashley ! that 
heart was so entirely yours, that you might have molded it as you 
pleased. 

Mert. Might I, indeed ? I wish I'd known that ; it is my ambi- 
tion to create for myself. 

Mrs. N. And as for my little son 

Mert. There, you see, is a blow to my ambition. 

Mrs. N. But what grand original designs — I ask you as a man 
of genius — might be drawn on the unsullied surface of his young 
mind ? 

Mert. That's true; there's a delightful task for somebody. Will 
you take my arm, Sophia ? and I will venture to offer my advice 
on the creation of a philosophic taste in youth. (Mrs. Netwell 
takes his arm as they are going up) 

Enter JASPER and Roland, door in flat. 

Jasp. (C. ) Of all the ill-mannered beasts, the people in this vil- 
lage are the beastliest — everybody is shouting after me. [sees Mer- 
TOn) Beg your pardon, Mr. Hashley Mutton, but do you see any- 
thing in my appearance to laugh at ? [to Mrs. Netwell) or do 
you, ma'am? 

Mert. [at back, R. c.) I see you are engaged. 

Jasp. Confound it, now you're at it ! How do you know I'm 
engaged ? How do all the other fools know it ? How does the 
infant school know it ? Is it writ on my back? 

Roland, [downl..) It is. [takes the paper from his back and shows 

Jasp. [thunderstruck) And — was — that on my— back ? 

Mrs. N. [upstage, R. C.) It was. 

Jasp. (c.) And she — yes, I remember now ; she pretended to 
put my collar to rights. She did it ! 

Mert. (r. c.) Ah, my mechanical young friend, you've two im- 
portant things to learn ; don't call me " hash'd mutton," and don't 
lay yourself open to practical jokes; the fact is, you've been mak- 
ing love to Margaret, which you might have known would only 
create diversion. 

Jasp. {sadly) I might ! 

Roland, (l.) Nevermind, Jasper, she shan't get off scot free ; 
we will have our joke. 



MEGS DIVERSION. 2$ 

Jasp. No — no — I shall never — never — {unable to proceed, he sih 
in a chair, C.) 

Roland, [aside) Poor fellow ! poor fellow ! (turns up stage, L.) 

Mert. I am going to protect this lady through the meadows, for 
I noticed Crow's black bull was untethered. {to Roland) Pidgeon, 
I want to make an appointment with you. {aside to him) to arrange 
that test I proposed — you know what I mean ? 

Roland. Exeter, to wit. 

Exeunt Merton andM-KS. Netwell, door in flat. 

Roland, [to Jasper, slapping him on the back) Cheer up, old 
fellow, never take a joke to heart, {runs off, door in flat) 

Jasp. [wiping his eyes) The joke — no, but it's all over — the de- 
licious dream is over — she — she— doesn't love me ! What a double- 
distilled fool I was to think she did. She's too good for me, but 
she might have told me so in some other way than this. Oh Meg, 
Meg, no more my Meg ! if you'd known how it would have crushed 
a poor fellow you wouldn't have gone and done it! [sobs) 

Enter Meg, door in flat. 

Meg. Well, I declare, if your brother and Squire Merton aren't 
talking together as thick as thieves ! — the Pidgeon's are mounting ! 
[putting her hand on Jaspers shoulder) Why, Jasper, you look 
quite pale. 

Jasp. Yes, Meg, I have had a sort of turn, and I dare say I 
deserved it. I made a stupid mistake, but yours was a very good 
joke, Meg — a very ludicrous joke — one can't — ha! ha! — help 
laughing. 

Meg. [looking in his face) And real tears are trickling down 
your cheek ! 

Jasp. Nothing of the sort. 

Meg. (r. c.) They are, though, [seeing paper on the floor) Oh, 
now I know what has annoyed you. It was very, very wrong of 
me, but I beg your pardon. 

Jasp. No, don't beg my pardon ; it was a delicate way of tell- 
ing me that I was a presumptive fellow, and I'm not in the least 
annoyed, Meg ; but I wish that paper had been a pitch plaster on 
my mouth, and done for me. I feel very much as if I didn't care 
to live, but that's no fault of yours. Good bye, Meg ! [picks up 
paper and puts it in his breast pocket) I shan't come again, but 
you'll find some other diversion. Good-bye, I shall clear out of 
this place at once. Exit, door in flat. 

Meg. Poor Jasper! Why did I do this? He seems dreadfully 
cut up. I've behaved very cruelly, and how meekly he bears it. 
I'll call him back, I will, and beg him to forgive me. [ru7is to the 
door, and is met by EvTE.vi) 



24 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

Eytem. {at door) Is Jeremy Crow here ? 

Meg. (l. of door) It appears not, sir. 

Eytem. Are you one of Crow's girls? 

Meg. I am one of Mr. Crow's young ladies. 

Eytem. Young ladies ! what next ? 

Meg. Middle-aged ladies, I suppose, sir. 

Eytem. Pshaw! I don't come here to crack jokes. My name's 
Eytem. 

Meg. [coming forward, L.) A serious Eytem. 

Eytem. {co7ning forward, R.) Hold your tongue, girl ! Pepper, 
Gulp & Eytem, Solicitors, of Exeter, are not to be trifled with. 
There is something in this letter [gives it) which requires his in- 
stantaneous attention. 

Meg. When he comes in I dare say he'll attend to it on the 
spot. 

Eytem. He will if he wishes to remain on the spot long, Miss 
Fhppant. You may tell him from Pepper, Gulp & Eytem — 
emphatically — that we have said in that letter neither more nor 
less than we mean. D'ye understand? 

Meg. Emphatically — no ! 

Eytem. Our cHents are resolved to foreclose unless your father 
pays the two thousand by twelve to-day^understand — to-day ! 

Meg. You're mad ! my father owe two thousand pounds ? 

Eytem. That he does ; and I am not mad. 

Meg. Then my father is rich enough to pay it. 

Eytem. Well, for a rich man he has been trying to raise money 
uncommonly hard ; but as Pepper, Gulp & Eytem happen to know, 
every money-lender in Exeter objects to his security. 

Meg. Mr. Eytem, you're standing there and uttering an untruth 
— you know you are. [Ckow passes windmv) 

Eytem. Thank you, miss ; here comes your father — we'll see. 

Enter Crow, door in fiat. 

Crow, {down C.) Oh, Pepper & GoUop, I have just posted a let- 
ter to you, naming to-morrow. 

Eytem. You'll find by the letter that " young lady " — hem ! — 
holds, that to-morrow won't do. Pepper & Gollop, as you call us, 
are not to be trifled with. 

Crow, {reads) "By twelve o'clock!" That's sharp; but you 
shall have the money by twelve o'clock, 

Meg. (l. , io Eytem) There ; I told you so. 

Eytem. (r.) I shall be close by for the next two hours. I have 
put up my mare at the Crown stables. 

Meg. I was sure you had found a mare's nest. 

Eytem. {up c.) You're a very forward young woman. Mr. 
Crow, I have to lodge a complaint ; your daughter is wanting in 



MEGS DIVERSION. 2$ 

respect, and I request that you will teach her Pepper, Gulp & Eytem 
are not to be trifled with. Exit, door in flat. 

Crow, [seated at table, K. c.) Where's Jasper Pidgeon ? 

Meg. (l. c. ) Poor Jasper ; we shall never see him again ; he has 
found out my trick, and bid me good-bye forever. 

Crow, [rising, aghast) What? 

Meg. I'm sure he meant it, by his tone ; the poor lad is heart- 
broken. 

Crow. Then I'm ruined ! [sinks in arm-chair) 

Meg. Ruined ? 

Crow. Mad — unlucky girl — you've done it ! Jasper was going to 
lend me two thousand pounds. 

Meg. (l. ) And — and was this why you asked me to decoy him 
into the belief 

Crow. (r. ) That I gave my consent. It was the only way to 
draw the money out of his pocket, and if I don't have it in an 
hour, the farm and everything I call mine is lost, [rising) Go after 
him — bring him back ! Promise him anything, but bring him back 
with the money ! Let me only get that, then do what you please 
with him. 

Meg. Oh, father, is this honest ? 

Crow. Bah ! I'm not to be catechism'd by a girl. Go after him, 
I tell you. 

Meg. Father, I can't do that. 

Crow. Not to save us all from ruin ? 

Meg. Not to save us all from ruin. I have already behaved to 
him like a cruel, heartless girl ; but it was in ignorance of what I 
was doing, [a loud knock) Ah, that's his knock ! 

Crow. I thought he'd come back again. Now do your best for 
us. 

Meg. What I do shall be at the bidding of my conscience. Oh, 
father, don't let us be false to Jasper. 

Crow. Open the door. (Meg opens door and remains up stage) 

Emer Jasper, door in flat, and down c. 

Jasp. (C.) I want just to speak to you, governor. 

Crow. (r. ) You can speak before my daughter. 

Jasp. Oh, can I ? [dejectedly) Well, govenor, I'm going away. 
This is no place for me. I'd nearly forgot that I gave my word you 
should have that money, [giving a check) There's a check. You'll 
find it all right, for I only paid it in yesterday. 

Crow. Good lad ! When do you want this? 

Jasp. Name your own time, and send it directed to me "The 
Bush, Australia." 

Crow. I'll give you bills at six and nine months before you go. 
Meg, where did that Eytem say I could find him ? 

Meg. [down L.) At the Crown. 



26 MEGS DIVERSION. 

Crow, [going up) I'll go there, and as I come back I must tether 
the black bull ; they tell me he's loose in the six acre field. 
Thankee, young Pidgeon, thankee ! Exit, door in flat. 

Jasp. (l. c.) Once more, good-bye, Meg ; I shall often think of 
you and your jokes. 

Meg. (l. c.) Jasper, I have done with joking, and my greatest 
sorrow is that I have made a sport of your feelings — you who have 
acted so nobly — so — [falli?tg at his feet) — Jasper, forgive me ; my 
eyes are opened to my sin, for sin it was. Say you forgive me. 

Jasp. Oh, don't ! get up, do ! I can't bear to see you in that way 
— it isn't natural. Forgive you — what for? Get up, or I shall 
think your are making a diversion of me again. 

Meg. Then you must think me worthless indeed ; yet I can 
scarcely ask you to believe one who has had no pity in her mirth — 
but 

Jasp. I won't say I forgive, bless' d if I do ! Oh, get up, Meg- 
get up! [lifts her 7/^) because I ought, on my knees, to ask ^(7i/r 
pardon for daring to think I could be more than a laughing-stock 
for you ; to fancy you could love such a simple, rough fellow. I 
must have been a dribbling idiot. 

Meg. I know you are rough, and simple, perhaps ; but through 
that simplicity I admire a nobleness of heart which must accom- 
plish all you desire — even love — yes, Jasper, iove ; and in that 
belief, and. with all the truth which my lost mother tried to instill 
in my childish heart, I offer myself for — for your wife ! If you 
reject me, the humiliation is deserved, for I have been a wayward, 
heedless girl — I am so no more ; take or I'efuse, but believe me 
sincere. 

Jasp. I do all that, Meg ; and you know there can be no sunshine 
in my life like the thought that you really would one day be Mrs. 
Pidgeon; but the question is — for I've gained thirty years' exper- 
ience in tlie last thirty minutes — can you love me ? 

Meg. Indeed, gratitude alone might 

Jasp. Aye, there it is. The substantial love I want is not made 
out of such veneer as gratitude. Bother gratitude ! Now, look 
here, Meg ; I won't take any advantage of you whilst you're under 
that impression ; but think the matter over coolly — do, dear Meg — 
ask your heart a question or two ; tell it that taking a husband may 
be on a long lease, and one ought to be sure that the taxes will 
not be too heavy, I'll tell you what I'll do. This day three 
months I'll put the question to you again, and then say truthfully 
and fearlessly whether you love me as a husband should be loved, 
or vice versy. 

Meg. Always kind Jasper ; but do you think if I were not sure 
of what was dawning here, [places her hand on her heart) any 
amount of gratitude would make me offer you a hand that you 
might not take as a pledge for all the rest ? 



MEGS DIVERSION. 2-j 

Jasp. I do hope so ; I do indeed. But as nothing is certain but 
death and quarter day, let us only be as we used to, till the day 
comes. Don't say a word about it to anybody — not even to 
brother Ro'. 

Meg. Only to my father — I can't deceive him ! and Jasper, 
{looking down) you — you — you may draw that little amount out of 
the bank now. 

Jasp. [kisses her) The first time! Oh, it's like "sipping the 
necktie of the gods," as the song-book says; but what a remark- 
ably short pleasure it is ; never mind, the time may come when 
Lips and Company will be a bank that won't stop, draw on it as 
much as I will ; and won't I draw — without any check ! [shouts 
heard without) Holloa ! there's a shindy in the farm yard ! 

Meg. [going to door) Oh, whatever has happened to father? 
here's your brother carrying him on his back. 

Jasp. I hope Roly's not making an ass of himself — one in a 
family is quite enough, [shouts again outside) 

Enter RoLAND, door in flat, with Crow on his back ; he places 
Crow in arm-chair, R. c. up stage, and stands, R. — Jasper, tip 
stage, L. — 'M.KG goes to her father — Yl^^^^XG'E.KS,who have followed 
on, remain at door and window. 

Roland, [to Meg) Don't alarm yourself; he's all right. His 
left leg gored a little. 

Meg. Gored ! who did it ? 

Roland. The bull — the black bull, and nothing but the bull ! I 
never saw such "lusty, lusty horns," in my life; horns indeed ! 
more like ophicleides. 

Crow. This young gentleman has saved my life ; the bull had 
me down — one horn in my mouth, and the other in my breeches 
pocket, when he rusiied to my rescue, waving his red handker- 
chief 

Roland. Like a matadore, barring the pumps and silk stockings. 

Crow. Drew off the bull, and dodged him round the field ! I 
never saw such pluck and activity in my life. 

Roland. Yes, I'm up to a dodge or two. 

Crow. I don't recollect any more, for I was stunned, till I found 
I was being carried home pick-a-back. Meg, my girl, thank him 
for your father's life ; another moment and it would have been all 
dicky with Jerry Crow. Pidgeon's brother, you shall stay here 
and feast for a month. 

Roland. So I will ; I am dotingly fond of new laid eggs. 

Crow. Oh, Meg will see to that. 

Roland. And milk- — real milk, direct from the cow. 

Crow. Meg, don't forget Pidgeon's milk. 

Jasp. (l. c. ) Didn't I tell you he was a noble fellow ! talk about 



28 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

a lion's heart — what's that to a Pidgeon's pkick ? (Meg and 
Roland come forward) 

Meg. (l. c.) Mr. Pidgeon, we owe my father's hfe to your 
bravery ; I have not grateful words strong enough — [^kisses his 
hand) May heaven bless you. (Roland i'm^ //^r) 

Jasp. {aside at back, c. ) He's kissed her; and so have I— so 
have I ! 

Crow. Jasper, come here — this precious leg must be looked to. 
(Jasper _^i9« io him) 

Roland, (r. C, aside io Meg) Oh, Meg — Meg — may I call you 
Meg ? darling Meg 

Meg. Sir ! 

Roland, [intensely, but in a low tone to her) I love YOU ! 

Music — Tableau — Crow ««^ Jasper, r. c, at back — Roland and 
Meg, l. c, forward— V ihi^ACKKS, at back. 



CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

Scene. — The Garden and exterior of Crow's Farm — The scene and 
lights are arranged with a view to introduce Calderotis picture of 
' ' Broken Vows. 

"EnXeTfrom house, 'Eytku, followed by Crow — Eytem, while speak- 
ing, ties up papers with red tape. 

Eytem. (r. c, at seat) There now, Mr. Crow, you are, as one 
may say, out of your difficulties. 

Crow. (l. c.) Out of my difficulties? yes, by losing half my 
farm. 

Eytem. Losing, pooh ! we can't eat our pie and have our pie, 
as the saying is; I'm sure I've purchased of you at a very fair 
price. 

Crow. Half the mortgage money 

Eytem. And a little over. 

Crow. But I hope you'll let me have a rental of the land, and 
then nobody need know that I have sold it. 

Eytem. Candidly, we considered the farm too large to be worked 
by a nian without capital ; however, I'll consult my partner, who 
is now in the village, and let you know in an hour. Where is 
young Jasper Pidgeon to be found? 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 29 

Crow. Oh, he'll be here by-and-bye. 

Eytem. I have news for him. 

Crow. Good or bad ? 

Eytem. Both, but the latter predominates, for which I am ex- 
tremely sorry ; I like the lad — knew his thrifty uncle from boy- 
hood, and more than that, Jasper once saved my life. 

Crow. And his brother mine ! the saving propensity runs in the 
family. But what is this here news you have to tell him .-' 

Eytem. That's my business. 

Crow. Well, don't snub a poor widower. 

Eytem. What have I to do with your widowerhood ? 

Crow. I had a large farm once, but you have taken my better 
half, {looks off, R. u. E. ) Here comes Sir Ashley Merton — and 
who's that with him? Mrs. Netwell again; he's always gallivant- 
ing with her now. 

Eytem. You don't mean that? 

Crow, They used to be enemies ; but she's a sly puss, she is. 

Eytem. (r.) What do you mean, sir, by calling that lady a cat? 
Do you know, sir, you are speaking of a client of ours? She's a 
clever woman, sir, if you mean that — a very clever woman. 

Crow. (l. c.) No match iox ymt, though, I'll be bound. 

Eytem. How dare you hazard such a remark as that ? I don't 
see why we shouldn't make a very good match. 

Crow. Hilloa, lawyer ! you're letting the cat out ; 1 only meant 
that being a client of yours, she's hke a rat in the mouth of a ter- 
rier. 

Eytem. Now you compare that lady to a rat, sir? Do you 
know that's actionable ? Pepper, Gulp & Eytem, are not to be 
trifled with. 

Enter Merton and Mrs. Netwell /rfw back^., and appear at 
gate, R. c. 

Merton. [at gate) Well, Mr. Crow, did you want to see me? 
Crow, {going up) I did, Sir Ashley. May I beg the use of your 
ears for a few moments ? 

Crow and Sir Ashley remain in conversation at gate — Eytem, 
ivho has gone up, comes forward with Mrs. Netwell. 

Eytem. (l. c.) Mrs. Netwell ! I congratulate you on having 
possession of the Grange again. 

Mrs. N. (r. C.) Thanks to my magnanimous friend, Sir Ashley. 

Eytem. {aside to her) Forgive my abruptness ; but I am in great 
anxiety to inquire, my dearest Mrs. Netwell, if you have made up 
your mind as to the proposal I ventured to make three months 
ago ? You said, with a grace pecuUar to yourself, you would 
" take time to consider." 



30 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

Mrs. N. Give me a little more grace, my dear solicitor; only a 
little. 

Eytem. Commiserate my suspense ; make it brief. Till when ? 

Mrs. N. Well, till— till— when shall I say ? We'll say till Mr. 
Crow's eldest daughter is married to my friend, Sir Ashley 

Eytem. What have we to do with them ? 

Mrs. N. Nothing ; only report says it is soon to be, therefore 
you shall soon have a positive "yes" or "no." {tliey turn up 
stage) 

Mert. [to Crow — at gate') We'll say in a quarter of an houi', 
then. 

Crow. I'll be back, [going to house, i..) 

Eytem. [up near gate) Crow, I'm going in search of that lad 
Pidgeon. I'll see you again on the subject we were speaking of. 

Bows to Mrs. Netwell and exit, throtigh gate and off R. — exit 
Crow into house l. 

Mert. (r. C.) Then we can have a few minutes' chat in Crow's 
garden, Sophia ; I'm glad I met you — and how is your dear little 
boy ? 

Mrs. N. (l. c.) Quite well ! he was prattling of you yesterday, 
and all I can do, he will insist upon calling you papa. 

Merton «;w^Mrs. Netwell walk about garden during their con- 
versation. 

Mert. Well, let him — I rather like it. 

Mrs. N. Oh, but it isn't proper; though to be sure, in superin- 
tending the development of his mind, you are acting like a papa. 
He's a dear child, and poor fellow, how fond he is of you ! 

Mert. Nice boy — very ! I am getting interested in him, and 
shall not like to relinquish my influence. 

Mrs. N. Your suggestions are so judicious — even I — I say even 
/adopt them. Do you know, on your hint, I am studying Natural 
Philosophy? [they sit on garden seat, R. C, Merton l., Mrs. 
Netwell r.) 

Mert. Are you, really? 

Mrs, N. And mathematics. 

Mert. You don't say so ! What, Euclid ? 

Mrs. N. Yes, and I've crossed the Pons 

Mert. Asinorum? Oh, if that's the case I must take you in 
hand, my dear Sophia. 

Mrs. N. But I feel I am trifling with my own happiness in yield- 
ing to the fascinations of your guidance. 

Mert. Sophia, I'll go so far as to say, I wish I had known your 
ductility a year ago. 

Mrs. N. And why ? 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 3 1 

Mert. Why ? Oh, no matter ! I am compromised — I must 
make the best of it. I have pledged my honor to this farmer 
Crow to marry his daughter, and, to tell the truth, I am here now, 
at his request, to settle the day for 

Mrs. N. Oh, say no more — I knew it would be so! All is over 
— I'm a wretched woman ! {sobs) 

Mert. No, no, dear Sophia, don't weep! You can always 
cherish my image, you know — in fact, I wish you to cherish my 
image. 

Mrs. N. Oh yes, I can weep over your carte-de-visite; but where 
is the mind — the gigantic mind ? 

Mert. {aside) What uncommon appreciation she has ! 

Mrs. N. You — you love this girl ? 

Mert. No ; don't labor under that error — that task I shall set 
myself after marriage, provided I find I have first created the sym- 
pathy in her. 

Mrs. N. But I have no right to murmur ; you have never loved 
me, you could not ! 

Mert. Yes, I could ; in fact, if I were not situated as I am, I 
might say I do ; but honor — the honor of a Merton ! I am sorry for 
what I have done — let that console you ; but honor ! 

Mrs. N. And you will marry her without knowing if she loves 
you ? Well, for a philosopher you are the rashest man- — -[they 
both rise) 

Mert. (r. c. ) Stop! stop! Sir Ashley Merton may act a daring 
part ; but a rash one— never ! I have commissioned a friend to test 
her — in fact, to try if she be susceptible to the protestations of a 
more meretricious object than myself, so to speak ; if she passes 
scathless through the ordeal, in a month she will be lady of Merton 
Hall. 

Mrs. N. (r., taking his hands) And, Ashley, may you be happy ! 
I dare scarcely hope it ; but may you be happy ! Let me go, I 
have listened too long, [crossing in front and up C. to gat e^ 

Mert. [following her to L. of gate) Where are you going? 

Mrs. N. Home — anywhere — to study philosophy. 

Mert. Or mathematics. Don't take my affair too much to heart ; 
you see I have, as it were, half crossed the stream, where retreat is 
cut off; I stand in the middle of a bridge 

Mrs. N. The Pons Asinorwn. Exit, R. c. 

Mert. She's a dear creature, and loves me unquestionably ; but 
I must forget her — Oh, here comes my agricultural father-in-law, 
in cord breeches, [crosses over to R. c. and sits) 

Enter Crow, foni house, L. , and down L. c. 

Crow. (l. C.) Critikising my garden, Sir Ashley? ah, it's awful 
neglected ; Meg seems to take no delight in it lately ; I don't know 
what's come over the wench, she mopes about and does nothing. 



32 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

Well, now, baronet, touching my Cornelia; [sUs l. , beside Mer- 
ton) it's time to come to an understanding ; the girl has worked 
hard to accomplish her accomplishment — and she loves you. 

Mert. [looks at Crow, and rises) Does she ? 

Crow. No mistake about it ; she asked after your favorite poodle, 
in her last letter, (rises') Well, you know it's no use shilly-shally- 
ing ; when a thing is to be done, let it be done. Now, what say 
you to take a stroll round the meadows, and fix the day ? 

Mert. [going to the gate) Since it must be so, come along. 

Crow, [going up) Don't say "must be so," 'cos it's the only 
manly, upright way of acting — excuse me, I'm a straightforward, 
honest fellow — and that's the truth. 

Mert. [at gate) Don't say "that's the truth," because it implies 
that your veracity is unusual. Exit ilirough gate and off, R. 

Crow, [following him) Oh, I'm not out of temper ; don't miagine 
for a moment I'm speaking with voracity. 

Exit at gate, and off V.. 

Enter Meg, from house, L. — a marked change in her mamier aftd 
appearance. 

Meg. [sits discofisolaiely) The day has come — this day I have so 
dreaded ; and he is so confiding — so kind, that I don't know how 
to tell him the terrible truth. For months he has been happy in 
the expectation of to-day's assuiance that he is loved. Were he 
only to ask me to marry him, I would! I would, though my henrt 
should break ; but he won't do that; nothing but a kindred affection 
would satisfy Jasper, whose own is so entire. I feel like a guilty 
girl — miserable, miserable ! 

Jasper appears frojn L. u E., at gate c. 

Jasp. [singing) " Gin a corpus, meet a corpus," it says — how are 
you Meg? 

Meg. [on seat, R. C.) Ah ! Jasper, is that you? 

Jasp. [at gate) I'm under the impression that it is; didn't I tell 
you that quarter day was one of those things that are certain to 
come? May a corpus come into the garden, Meg ? 

Meg. Oh, Jasper, you know you are welcome. 

Jasp. [coming forivard, i.. c.) Well, come, but am I wanted? 
That's the question. Would you have been vexed if I had not 
come? 

Meg. What can I say ? 

Jasp. What can you say? Come, that's a good 'un ! "Yes" is 
a contemptible little word, but sometimes it's a whole dictionary of 
happiness, and don't be afraid to say it, Meg. I think that patient 
individual, Jasper, deserves a little encouragement, for he has kept 
his word — hasn't he ? For three months I have seen you almost 
every day with my heart in my mouth — all that I cared for in the 



MEGS DIVERSION. n 

wide world near me — and I have tried not even to think of love ; 
but lord, 1 might as well have tried to eat without swallowing. 1 
tried not to notice you, but I noticed all the more that you were 
changing, so meek, and so beautiful, that 1 began to fear it was an 
impossibility that you could ever belong to me. This is the day, 
you know, Meg, when I \vas to have my sentence. 

Meg. Your sentence, Jasper ? 

Jasp. Don't repeat my words — don't lose time, my girl — every 
moment is a month to me! Oh, I forgot ; I was to put the question 
plain. Well, here it is — do you now love me as a husband ought 
to be loved? [a pause) Did you hear me, Meg? I can't say it 
again, for there's such a thumping under my waistcoat, and such a 
walnut in my throat- — and as you see, such a trembling all over me, 
that 

Meg. Jasper — I — I 

Jasp. What ails you, my Meg ? — how ill you look ! Well, then, 
don't say anything now — take another week ; I'll bear it. 

Meg. {rises) Good, noble Jasper! — no, not another moment. 
{placing her hand in Jasper's) If you wish me to be your wife, I 
will try to be an affectionate one — I will indeed ! 

Jasp. (l. C.) Try !— try ! [dropping her hajid ) Meg, that word — is 
— like a May blight ; if you can't call that back again, don't say any 
more. Love doesn't come by trying ; we don't know how it comes 
— it's there, and we can't help it. 

Meg. (r. c ) And so it was with me ! 

Jasp. With you? then you do love — and — and — not me? 

Meg. And if death were my punishment, it would be just. I have 
wickedly listened to another in the belief that there was no peril, 
and when too late I found I was no longer mistress of my will ; 
and — and I would not have told you this, Jasper, if I could deceive 
you ! I hate myself, but I will not deceive you ! 

Jasp. Hush, Meg — hush ! I have often tossed on my pillow with 
a sort of superstition of what was to come, and I have reasoned 
with myself how to bear it ; you shall see I am a man ! I have 
gone through such a trial as few could bear ; but there — you see I 
— I hear it ; and bear it — don't I ? It was not to be ! Who is the 
happy man ? 

Meg. Your brother. 

Jasp. Roly ! I see all now ; the pair of scales has dropped from 
my eyes. Ah! he deserves you — he's better than me, Meg. He 
didn't know what had passed between us, or he wouldn't have 
done it for the world ; I'm sure he wouldn't— bless him ! — and you 
too — he's better than me ! 

Qkow , from R., appears at the back. 

Crow. Hi ! Jasper — look out ! the Exeter coach has pulled up 
at the Crown, and your brother is on the box, as large as life, 



34 MEGS DIVERSION. 

[looks off", L.) now he's down, and — and handing out our Nelly; 
come along, we'll run over and meet them. [calHfig off) How are 
you! I'm coming. Exit, L. u. E. 

Jasp. Roly there ! I can't see him just yet, it's too much. I'll 
go through the house, and collect myself in the poultry-yard. You 
needn't let him know, Meg, that I was at all knocked over by 
what you have told me, because, poor fellow, he may feel hurt, 
you know ; so I'll go, and try to put on a jocular expression — it's 
all right. Exit into house, L. 

Enter Crow at gate, from L. u. e. 

Crow. Look alive, Meg ! they've had no breakfast — run in, and 
toss up something for the famished travelers— a few bacon and 
eggs, or — no, a slice of eggs and bacon- — 1 say, deuced odd their 
coming from Exeter together, isn't it? I wonder if they knew it ! 
Why, how you stand, looking as pale as a ghost ! [crossing over to 
L. ) Come in, and see Lady Nelly — hang'd if she doesn't look hke 
a duchess, [httrries into house, L. 2 E.) 

Meg. Two months since I have heard that earnest voice, which 
made me false to my deep resolves — that voice, still on my ear so 
persuading — so true ! 1 shall again listen to answer — yes — answer 
to him now ; though I must not tell what a hard struggle between 
love and conscience I have had — for his sake ! 

Roland, [speaking at back, L. ) Don't go in yet ; I must — I will 
speak with you first. 

Meg. [goes toward fence, L. c.) Ah! 'tis he! his footstep, and — 
some one is with him. How foolishly unnerved I am at meeting — 
I 

Cornelia, [outside, L. u. E.) Be quick, then, dear Roland ; my 
sister will think it so strange if I delay rushing into her arms. 

Meg. That— that is Cornelia's voice — she is with him, 

Roland rt«rf Cornelia appear behitxd the fence, L. c, a portion of 
the top of which being broken, admits of their faces being seen. 

Roland. Cornelia, my own, we must decide how we are to act. 
I am for plain, straightforward dealing ; leave me to break the 
matter to Merton and your father — darling Corneha ! I love you 
tenderly — deeply ; and you have confessed your love for me ! 

Meg. Powers of Mercy ! what do I hear? [staggers against ivall- 
piece, L. u. E. ) 

Corn. Do as you think best, Roland. Give me that flower as a 
pledge that you will never be any but mine. I should die — I'm 
sure I should — were I to lose you ! You are my first and last 
love ! 

Roland. Ever mine! [holds tip a flower, a7id as she attempts to 
take it, he kisses her — Mkg places her hand to her heart — Music — 



MEG'S DIVE RSI ON. 35 

this realizes fhe picture of ' ' Broken Vows ' ' ) Then I have your sanc- 
tion to break it to them at once ? 

Corn. Yes, dear; but I inust go in, I must indeed. You'll fol- 
low soon, won't you, my Roland? {disappears, L. u. E.) 

Meg. {Jotters forward, L. c.) The world is gone — is lost! Oh, if 
I could die — if I could die ! 

Roland, [who enters through gate, C.) Holloa! Meg — frolic- 
some Meg here ! [aside] She has heard ; well, so much the better. 
{aloud) My — my hoaxing little friend Meg, here I am back again ; 
give me your hand, beguiler of my idle hours, {approaches — offer- 
ing hand) 

Meg. (l. c, recoiling) No, no! touch me not— touch me not ! 
sooner would I — {aside) I am choking, stifling — touch me not ! 
[staggers into house, L. 2 E.) 

Roland. So, so ! I have avenged our family honor there, at any 
rate. Well, the puss deserved it ; but I didn't expect I had struck 
so deeply — in fact, I have my qualms as to the manliness of hoax- 
ing to such an extent, but she'll get over it. I'll remind her of all 
she did to poor Jasper. Oh, she deserves the lesson unquestion- 
ably. But there's another difficulty ; how shall I extenuate my 
conduct to Merton — Sir Ashley Merton, as he is now ? The paint- 
brush of circumstance has certainly daubed me a villainous color, 
but I love Cornelia — I adore her, and I can't help it ; he shouldn't 
have set me sucli a dangerous task — man is but man. Oh, he's 
another deserving object ; he deserves it all ! I'll brazen it out — 
fight him, if needs must. 

Mert. {at gate , front R. u. E.) I saw the coach rounding the cor- 
ner, and deuce take me if I didn't think it was a Pidgeon's torso 
on the box. (enters, and down R. C.) Well, my friend — for I have 
created you the friend of my bosom — how are you, friend ? 

Roland, (l. c, aside) Friend ! Hear this, ye gods ! 

Mert. Not to lose time — did you — did you execute that — that lit- 
tle commission for me ? 

Roland. Commission ! What do you mean. Sir Ashley, by com- 
mission? Do you take me for a commercial traveler? 

Mert. I mean that delicate little test — the test of my wife in 
posse. 

Roland. I did, sir. She does not love you ! 

Mert. What? 

Roland. No, sir ! I am prepared for the volcano of your indig- 
nation. Vomit your lava — let your crater gape I She does not 
love you. 

Mert. My dear fellow 

Roland. Sir, she loves another! Yes, I see the gathering storm- 
cloud on your brow — let it burst ! She loves another ! 

Mert. My dear fellow 

Roland. That other is me — your tool, sir — your fool, as you 



36 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

thought, but I only say "tool." I leave you to call me names. 
"Villainous scoundrel! — treacherous rascal!" are on your 
tongue. Uncork your adjectives — I'm prepared for them. 

Mert. My dear fellow 

Roland. And I love her, madly — overwhelmingly — you'd like 
to dash me to the earth ; I can see you'd like to dash me — dash 
away, if you like, I'm prepared to be dashed ! 

Mert. My dear 

Roland. True love — the genuine article — has eclipsed your 
Brummagem philosophy, and maddened you — you know not what 
to say — you are about to tear your hair — root it out — throw it in 
my face — I'm prepared ! 

Mert. {coolly wiping his head, rvhich is dald) My dear fellow, 
I'm very much obliged to you. 

Roland. Eh ? 

Mert. (r. c.) In fact if money were in question, there would be 
no pecuniary bounds to my gratitude ; you have freed me from a 
nightmare. 

Roland, (l. c.) How sir, do you call that sweet girl a nightmare ? 
Hang your knightly impudence ! 

Mert. She is, I grant, a sweet creature, but I know a sweeter. 

Roland. How dare you assert there's a sweeter creature on the 
face of the earth ? Anything sweeter would be nauseous. 

Mert. Now don't be unreasonable, when I congratulate and 
thank you for doing me an unlooked-for-kindness. 

Roland. What do you mean by kindness? Any man of right 
feeling would have gone into a passion about it — and now I think 
of it, I ought to call you to account for your duplicity to that dear 
girl. 

Mert. Has all the duplicity been on my side.'' Come, be con- 
tented, my friend, that fortune favors you. 

Roland. No ; I wanted to do something for her sake ! I wanted 
to quarrel about her, and you've baulked me in a most ungentle- 
manly manner. 

Enter CORNELIA frof/i house, L. 

Mert. (r.) Corneha! Cornelia! I'm delighted to see you look- 
ing so charmingly ; but why do you first turn crimson and then 
pale as a lily ? 

Corn, {who has gone do7vn, C, runs lo Roland) Oh! save me — 
save me ! he'll kill me ! I know he will. See, he's fumbling in his 
waistcoat for a weapon. Save me ! 

Roland, {pjitting her over to \..) Oh! I've tamed him : we've 
had an awful row, but I've tamed him. 

Mert. (r. — to Cornelia) So you have deserted the worthy fel- 
low who wanted to create a female prodigy, and substituted 
another worthy fellow with a prodigious quantity of love. You are 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 37 

right, my child; and if future friendship is not objectionable. Sir 
Ashley Merton is yours to command. 1 will not intrude upon the 
privacy of true lovers. Good-bye for the present ! 

Exit through gate and off, R. 

Corn. (l. ) There's a disgraceful way of turning me off; I call 
that insulting ! 

Roland, (c.) Do you, my darhng ? Then I'll make him apolo- 
gize ! {going up to gate — calling) Hi! you, sir ! you uncom- 
monly placed knight — you K. C. B. — or whatever you call 
yourself — come back and apologize ! [runs through gate and off, R. ) 

Corn. I never cared anything for him ; but one doesn't hke to 
be held so cheaply as that in the presence of one's lover, who 
would have valued one the more for a fracas. 1 

Enter Meg, door'L. 2 E. — seeing Cornelia, is turning back. 

Corn. Come here, sister dear, I want to speak to you. [brings 
her forward) You look so ill, dear, that I'm quite grieved ; and 
you've scarcely exchanged one word with your Cornelia — what is 
wrong? Are you angry with me about anything ? 

Meg. (l. c.) Oh, no ! 

Corn. (r. c.) Well, then, kiss me. 

Meg, Yes. 

Corn. Yes, but you don't! You always were the first to embrace 
the sister you said you were proud of, and are you not proud of 
me still? Ah, then I must kxssyou. [kisses Meg) 

Meg. [falling on her neck and sobbing) Oh, Cornelia ! Cor- 
ncha ! 

Corn. That's right, darling ; if you have a sorrow, share it with 
Cornelia — Oh ! I must tell you my secret — something that will 
really astonish, perhaps displease you, but it couldn't be helped. 
Sit down, I'll open my heart to you by way of example, {places 
Meg ott garden seat, and sits R, of her) Meg, you know how I 
obeyed my father's wish, and consented to sacrifice myself to a 
man I could never love. Never love / Meg, those are hard words 
for a girl of eighteen to brood over ; but now, sister, I do love — 
I love another so truly, that my whole life is bound up in his — 
that man is Roland. Oh, how white you are, and how your lips 
quiver ! Don't you approve of it, Meg ? 

Meg. [with effort) May you never know what it is to lose the 
man you love so tenderly ! 

Corn. But why should you hint at such a dreadful thing ? I 
would stake my life on his fidelity — he is incapable of deceit. 

Meg, Others may have thought the same. 

Corn. For shame, Margaret ! You would have me think I am 
not the first who has listened to Roland's vows ; and if so, what 
do I care to whom he has been false, so long as I know he is true 
to me ? 



38 MEGS DIVERSION. 

Meg. Is favored love so pitiless? But if he should be sporting 
with your credulity ? 

Corn. Nonsense ! All people are not adepts at such sport as you 
are; and the girl who cannot distinguish sincerity from seeming, 
deserves to be trifled with — her blind vanity claims no pity. 

Meg. Sister — sister, what have you to depend on but oaths 
which may be false, intensity which may be feigned? For there 
are men who can act such love, and glory in hypocrisy. Even 
he 

Corn, [rising) Even he ! Say no more, or I shall hate you, 
Meg ! You would like to fill my mind with base suspicions, but 
you shan't ; for were it true, there would fall such a blight on all 
my life to come, as even you would grieve at — you who have 
resolved, in your little way, to poison our happiness. You have 
never loved ! 

Meg. (l., rising) Oh, Cornelia, Cornelia, prove him ! Hold 
back your heart, my own darling sister, till you are sure. 
Appeal to his mercy — to his manhood ; and if — if he really loves 
you, then, as you say, why care whom else he has deceived ? Take 
him^be happy — and all my hope be with you ! 

Corn. (r. ) Why, one would think, to hear you talk, that you 
were giving me something of your own ; but, if you are not jealous 
of my conquest, you will befriend me with papa, won't you ? he 
will Idc so angry ! (Jasper appears at door of house, L.) I declare, 
here is Jasper Pidgeon, looking quite civilized and refined. Meg, 
you recollect that famous trick you practiced on him ? 

Meg. Silence, Cornelia ! if I have ever repented a heartless act, 
it is that. Never, if you would spare me tears of shame, speak of 
that crime again. 

Corn, {aside) She loves him ! as I live, she loves him ! [aloud) 
Well, I'm sorry we imposed upon the poor fellow, because, after 
all, he is the brother of my Roland. (Jasper, who has crossed at 
back, goes dozun, R.) Soh, my learned brother, and how has the 
world used you ? 

Jasp. {^glancing at Meg) Mine was a very small world. Miss 
Cornelian, and it used me as well as circumstances over which it 
had no control would let it. 

Corn, (c.) Well, Jasper, I am not going away again, and I hope 
to see you very often, for I mean to grow very fond of you. 

Jasp. Yes, do, because I shall be a sort of relation ; not one 
that you'll care to brag about, but still 

Corn, [going up) Ah, he has told you already ; here he comes ; 
doesn't he look handsome, Meg? I'm sure, Jasper, you ought to 
be proud of him. 

Meg. [going toward house, V,.) I — I am wanted; let me go into 
the house. 



MEGS DIVERSION. 39 

Jasp. And would you mind going with her, Miss Cornelian ? 
The fact is, I want to speak to Roly confidential. 

Corn, [tcp stage, L. C. ) Yes; but use adverbs, don't call me 
Cornelian, and don't call him Roly. (goifig into house, turns to 
Meg who is standing by the door) You wouldn't like him called 
" Roly," if he belonged to you, would you? such a noble fellow, 
isn't he? Exit Q.Ol^'^^\.\K, followed by Meg, into house, L. 

Enter ROLAND,y>w;; R., and through gate. 

Roland, {down, R.) Ah, Jasper, boy, here I am, you see, well 
and happy. 

Jasp. (l.) So you ought to, Roly ; if ever a man had a right to 
be, you have. {gf'<-isping his hand) You are loved by an angel, 
Ro ; be good to her ! What an ass I am to say such a thing — of 
course you will! I con-con-grat — Well, that's a hard word for 
me to say ; but you know what I mean. 

Roland. Yes, she has told you already ; you're right, I am a 
lucky fellow. By-the-bye, have you heard from Eytem to-day ? 

Jasp. No. 

Roland. He has bad news for you, lad, but don't be cast down. 
You shan't want for money. 

Jasp. Oh, I know what you mean — that paltry money — a 
fleabite ! 

Roland. Fleabite ? 

Jasp. The thousand I cleared by Mrs. Netwell's estate, Eytem 
persuaded me to throw into a healthy Australian Company — so 
healthy that it burst itself, I suppose — never mind. 

Roland. No, it isn't that. 

Jasp. Then never mind what it is now. When you are mar- 
ried — to — to — Meg, brother, you shall have joint stock in all that 
I've got, and ■ 

Roland. Married to Meg ! What are you thinking about? I 
care nothing about Meg. 

Jasp. Don't jest, Roly ; I know all — Meg loves you, and a king 
might hold his royal head a little higher at that. 

Roland. Ha! ha! ha! What, have you been sold too? Pooh! 
pooh ! lad — she derided — insulted you ; I swore internally that I 
would pay her back in her own spurious coin — and I did; the 
finest bit of counterfeit you ever saw. I declared that I loved her 
— that I lived but for her — hers and hers only — without her, most 
lonely, and a lot more balderdash so artistically dehvered, that, 
hang me if she didn't believe it. 

Jasp. You did this? you? 

Roland, {taking Jasper's hand) For my brother's sake, my 
boy 



40 MEGS DIVERSION. 

Jasp. {^snatching his hand away) Then you're a villain — a cow- 
ardly, cruel villain ! 

Roland. Hilloa ! 

Jasp. You own, deliberate, to have made a good — afifectionate 
girl wrongfully believe you loved her. 

Roland. Didn't she do the same to a good, affectionate brother 
of mine ? 

Jasp. What's that to you, if I choose to let her? 

Roland. Didn't she ticket your innocent back ? 

Jasp. What's my innocent back to you, if I like to be 
ticketed "} 

Roland. Well, there certainly is something fascinating about the 
little gipsy, but 

Jasp. [earnestly) Roly, you mustn't break her heart ; you shan // 
If you are a gentleman — and I have felt rather proud that we 
had one in the family — if you are a gentleman, you must act like 
one. 

Roland. But a gentleman can't fall in love simply because you 
command it. 

Jasp. He can ! you must ! Oh, brother, that is no difficult task 
with her; the more you know her, the more you'll find you can't 
help it. 

Roland. But I love another 

Jasp. It's false ! it's false ! 

Enter Meg, unseen by them, from the house, L. , and remains up 

stage. 

Roly, Roly, I have thought you better than other men — prove that 
you are ; I love you ; but all the brothers in the world are nothing 
to me where she is concerned. Wrong her, and I'm your deadly 
enemy — and that I shouldn't like to be to you, Roly. Perhaps 
you shrink from a girl who hasn't a purse ! then what I have is 
yours — take it freely — I want nothing! Ro', this is no brag, I 
mean it ; but carry out the hopes you have raised in that poor 
girl's heart. 

Roland. I tell you I am pledged to her sister. 

Jasp. Her sister ? 

Roland. Cornelia ; and as to your generosity, dear boy, I am 
sorry to break the news in the midst of your anger, but you 
have nothing. Eytem has just discovered, what I all along sus- 
pected — our uncle made a recent codicil, stating that, though 
some little folly of mine had incensed him, he forgave and left all 
to me. 

Jasp. And take it! What is wealth to me who have no one 
to share it? But won't _yf« prove yourself worthy of it, by acting 
with honor to Meg ? 



MEGS DIVERSION. 4 1 

Roland, Once for all, I can't. 

Jasp. Then, brother be hanged ! you are no brother of mine, 
and I have no means of revenging poor Meg's wrong but by this 
arm, which before now has fought for justice in the workshop, and 
thrashed a rascal as I will you — ya,you! [throws off his coat) 
The name of a penniless mechanic^ — the name of his father, is dis- 
graced by a gentleman ! Let manhood be the referee— come on ! 
(Meg rushes between them, C.) 

Meg. (C.) Jasper, for my sake, no ! I heard all, with what utter 
change of feelings I have no words to tell ; but were he free from 
every other tie, could affection deeper than that he so admirably 
feigned possess this gentleman at your bidding — I should reject 
him, because — I love no longer! the magic has melted — the infat- 
uation is over! [to Roland) Sir, though I truly feel this, don't 
think it is said in anger. I richly merited your unsparing lesson, 
and if I am a wiser girl for the future, 'tis you, perhaps, I have to 
thank. There is my hand. I ask one favor in waking from this 
foolish dream — don't let your triumph over me be mentioned to 
my sister. 

Roland, (r. ) I promise, Meg, faithfully, for I'm not at all vain 
of the part I have played ; if Jasper had thrashed me it would 
have served me right, though 'tis as well that Pidgeons of one 
family shouldn't " fall out, and chide, and fight," as Doctor what's- 
his-name says. 

Meg. And since kindred had nearly been forgotten on my 
account, let me restore the link, {joins their hands) Remember, 
Jasper, your brother was your champion. 

Jasp. (l.) a pretty sort of cliampion to go in right and left 
at a woman — excuse me for calling you a woman, Meg ; but if 
I see you pining about him, my glue-pot will boil over again. I 
will see you the Meg I used to know, before I cross the briny 
ocean. 

Meg. Stay here, Jasper. 

Roland. Of course he will. He offered to share his sum total 
with me, and he shall find that I can do simple division in my sums 
as well as he can. 

Jasp. Not a pound, Ro'. [crosses to C.) I'll hand you over all I 
have had ; but there's one thing troubles me — I have lent two 
thousand pounds. 

Roland. Cornelia has told me all about it ; that debt I 
insist upon taking on my own shoulders. Give me the notes of 
hand. 

Jasp. [takes ttotes out of a pocket-book — as he is giving them, 
dra7us back) You won't trouble Meg's father about them? Honor 
bright ? 

Roland. As a brass-knocker, [lakes notes and tears them tip) 
Nobody shall say, " I owe " to Roly ! 



42 MEGS DIVERSION. 

Jasp. He's not all bad — is he, Meg? 

Roland. Oh, Jasper and I are made of the right stuff — eh ? 

Meg. (l. ) You have both been good to my father — very good, 
and to me — but there — I cannot wrong Jasper by saying you have 
his heart. 

Roland, {aside') Hanged if I don't think there's hope for Jasper 
yet. [aloud) Well, I must go and find our agricultural parent. 
[crossing to L.) And I hope in a serene state, for I shall make a 
clean breast, and then its tenant won't be ashamed to display its 
palpitations. Exit itito house, L. 

Jasp. (/// c.) Now, I'll put on my jacket, and stick to the bench 
till I've earned a passage to Australia. 

Meg, (l. c, picking a flower) And what will you do there ? 

Jasp. I don't know — perhaps get a government appointment 
as bushranger. Oh, mind you, I know something about farming, 
and 

Meg. And who is to befriend me when you are gone, Jasper? 
[lookitig off, R. U. E.) Poor Sir Ashley is coming ; I must get out 
of his way ! I haven't the heart to be the first to tell him of his 
misfortune. 

Jasp. Oh, bless you, he's a philosopher ; he isn't such a fool as 
I am, Meg. (looks off, r.) There ; the silly fellow has dropped his 
kid glove into the hog-wash ! If you want to slip off, now's your 
time ! — let's go and cheer one another by indulging in our melan- 
choly thoughts, [as iliey go t /trough gate /o L. ) Do you ever won- 
der what harm you'd done to your mother, that she should have 
punished you by bringing you into the world? I do. 

Exit Jasper, l. u. f.. , folloived by Meg, talking. 

Enter Crow, followed by Roland, /;w« house, L. — Roland goes 

down, L. 

Crow, [speaks as he enters) What, sir? What? How dare you 
name such a thing ? Love my daughter Cornelia ! Why, con- 
found it, if I didn't owe my life to you, I'd take yours on the spot! 
— Cornelia^ — Lady Merton — good gracious ! I had begun to think 
you was dangling after Meg, and even that was — but Corn-e-lia 
indeed ! Oh, here comes Sir Ashley himself. Confound you, I'll 
expose you ! — I'll have no pity on you — I'll hand you over to 
him ! 

Enter Merton, through gate C, and down R. 

Here, Sir Ash ; resent your own insult ; here's this here individual 
— I don't know what else to call him — has dared — with full knowl- 
edge of your priory right and title, to ask my sanction to his mak- 
ing love to Cornelia ! 



MEGS DIVERSION. 43 

Mert. (r.) Well, I really don't know anything against the gen- 
tleman. 

Crow, (c.) Against the what ! the " gentleman ! " Did you hear 
what I said? He pits himself against _y^« with my daughter. 

Mert. I must decline to be pitied ; it must not be said in 
history, that Sir Ashley Merton, fourth baronet of that name, 
was an obstacle to the course of true love ; so if Corneha loves 
him 

Crow. If she — loves him ! Is this a conspiracy to drive me mad ? 
Sir Ashley, is that girl— who has been studying unnatural phi- 
losophy, and the deuce knows what all, to prove her affection for 
you, to be vilUfried by such an insinuation as that? Oh, here she 
is! 

Enter CORNELIA, _/>o;;z house, L., mid doivn, L. c. 

Nelly ! Nelly ! here's pretty scandal going on about you, but to 
cut the matter short — you see these here two— a gentleman, and a 
— individual, don't you? Well, which of them do you love? 
Corn, [^turning L. to Roland) This gentleman, dear father. 
Mert. (r.) Pardon me — that's the "individual." 
Crow. Fire and fury ! this is a conspiracy ; but I'll soon bring 
this fine boarding-school miss to her senses. As for you, [to 
Roland) you penniless scamp, I'll prosecute you for — for — I don't 
know what ; but it's felony. Sir Ashley, I shall forthwith take 
proceedings against you for — for — well, never mind what it's 
called — I can afford to go to law. 

Enter Eytem andM.^^. Netvvell/ww« R., through gate — Jasper 
and Meg /rotn L., and remain at gate tatking — Mrs. Netwell 
remains up, r., and is joined by Merton. 

Eytem. [coming down, R. ) Who talks of going to law ? Law has 
come to you. 

Crow, (c.) Here's a breach, Mr. Eytem. I lay my damages at 
twenty thousand at the least- — Sir Ashley cries off — he deserts my 
daughter ! 

Eytem. So my fair client tells me ; and it appears that Mr. 
Roland Pidgeon is now the lucky man. 

Crow. He shall have the luck of my horsewhip about his shoul- 
ders if 

Eytem. Sir, this young gentleman is now proved to be the real 
claimant of his uncle's estate, value twenty thousand at the least. 

Crow, [cooling dorvji) Oh, is he? And you say, Sir A., that you 
decline off niy daughter? 

Mert. [up, R.) I have no alternative. 

Crow. "Turnative" indeed! then I'll punish you^sir, by — by 



44 MEG'S DIVERSION. 

accepting this young bull-fighter ; hang'd if I don't ; but I've been 
deceived once — I'll keep a pretty sharp look-out on my other 
wench, [to Meg) What are you doing, talking to that mechanical 
pauper ! 

Eytem. [aside) I must put in a word for hiiii too. [aloud) Mr. 
Crow, I have consulted my partner, and he refuses to rent the 
farm to you. 

Crow. He does? 

Eytem. Jasper, my lad, (Jasper doivn R.) you entrusted a thou- 
sand pounds to me for investment ; I bought and sold your shares 
at an extraordinary crisis, and doubled your capital in a week. 
One half of this farm now belongs to us ; throw your cash into it, 
and show this farmer of the old school what intelligence and 
manure will do with waste land. 

Jasper, (r. ) Set up an opposition shop to Meg's father ? No, 
I'm blessed if I do, Mr. Eytem! but, if you will let the land to 
Mr. Crow, and he likes to take me as a sort of partner, now 

Crow, (l.) Worse and worse I why, he'd be plowing the land 
with a jack-plane. 

Meg. [aside to Crow, L.) Father! father! Jasper was a good 
friend to you when you needed it. 

Eytem. [to Crow) Come here, and listen to counsel /n? and cofi. 
[aN retire up — Merton atid Mks. N. come fojivard) 

Mert. (r. C.) Now, Sophia, the spell is withdrawn from my 
tongue and I may fearlessly declare I love you ; yes, it has been 
coming on, so to speak, for the last three months. 

Mrs. N. (l. c.) Then, Sir Ashley, you must take me as I am— a 
mere woman. If 'tis a question of love, I relinquish philosophy 
and mathematics, 

Mert. What, won't you study Euclid ? 

Mrs. N. I'll study you, and you only ! you were vay pons asin- 
orum, and I have mastered you — O. E. D. I have discovered that 
you have great intellect 

Mert. Dear Sophia ! 

Mrs. N. But you require the guidance of a practical mind. 

Mert. I think I do. 

Mrs. N. Be ruled by me in «:// things ; and like poor dear Net- 
well, your home will be your heaven. 

Mert. Yes, Netwell " went home" very soon after he was mar- 
ried. Well, do as you please with me, but be mine. 

Eytem. [coming doion) Pardon me. Sir Ashley. (Merton goes 
up R.) Mrs. Netwell, can I have the happiness of speakmg a few 
words — privately ? 

Mrs. N. (r., aside to him) Too late, Mr. Eytem — engaged! 

Eytem. (aside) Deuce take it, the baronet has been before me— 
[to Mrs. Netwell) I see, madam — I now see why you held me 



MEGS DIVERSION. 45 

on and off a corps de reserve — in fact you considered me a decoy 
duck. 

Mrs. N. Mr. Eytem! I never considered you a duck — come, 
don't be vexed ; I'm not worthy of it. 

Eytem. Vexed ! no ; but I've been taught a lesson — Pepper, 
Gulp & Eytem are not to be trifled with generally, but old Harry 
himself may be taken in by a widow. 

Mrs. N. Oh, Mr. Eytem, for shame ! I really didn't even know 
your name was Harry, {they separate mid go up — Jasper and Meg 
come fonvard ) 

Jasp. (l. c.) Then it's settled. Pidgeon & Crow ; I'm to be 
the governor's partner ; but I'll work early and late — and mark 
my words, the farm shall all be his again by-and-bye, for your 
sake. 

Meg. (r. c.) For jny sake, Jasper! Is it possible you can have 
a kind thought of me still ? 

Jasp. Meg, I think better of myself since I've discovered my 
thoughts of you are not at all selfish, and I'll keep so — at least, I'll 
try. 

Meg. That word, Jasper; don't you remember reproving me for 
saying I'd try ? 

Jasp. Poor girl, and so I did ; well, don't try any more, there's 
no need. 

Meg. There is not, indeed ; the very error which led me astray 
proved the generous heart I had deserted, and made me humbled ; 
know that — I cannot say it 

Jasp, Whisper it, Meg, and then I'll pretend not to hear it. (Meg 
wJvspers') 

C.-ow. {coming down, L. c.) Hoa, there! what's that whispering 
abou t ? {all come fotwa?'d ) 

Roland. (a«c/(? /i9 CoRNELiA, L.) I can guess. Another Pidgeon 
will pair off with another Crow. 

Crow. There's no occasion to ■ conceal nothing from me, I'm 
sure. A baronet throws over my daughter and I forgive him ; a 
young bull-fighter seizes her, willy nilly — I tumble to it ; my 
daughter herself makes an ass of me, and I'm patient; a lawyer 
chisels me, and I take it as a thing of course. A bread-and-cheese 
carpenter is thrust on me as partner, and I receive him with open 
arms. So hang me if I haven't come to the belief that I'm an 
angel in top-boots, and that's the truth. 

Eytem. {leaning 07i back of seat, R. c.) Well done, farmer ; I see 
you know how to make a virtue of necessity. 

Crow. But what's the secret, Meg? 

Meg. I whisper'd, " Don't condemn my errors past. 
The heart may stray, yet, turning right at last, 
Learn to reward an honest, pure affection." 

Roland, {aside) Soh ! my suspicion took the right direction. 



46 



MEG'S DIVERSION. 



Jasper, [fo audience) She said — but no ! it isn't fair to tell — 
Yet, Meg's Diversion, may, we hope, end well ; 
For Pidgeon's proud to own he's caught and caged, 
Don't ask me to say more — look here ! 

Pulls the placard used in Act I from his pocket, and pifis it on his 
breast, displaying the word — " Engaged." 

TABLEAU. 



Meg. Jasper. 



Eytem. 
[leaning on back of seat) 

Mert. and Mrs. N. 
[on seat) 



Crow. 

Cornelia. 



Roland. 



L. 



CURTAIN. 




SAVED FROM THE WRECK. 

A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female characters: Leading comedy, juvenile man, genteel 
villain, rough villain, light comedy, escaped convict, detective, utility, juvenile 
lady, leading comedy lady and old vi'oman. Two interior and one land^cape scenes. 
Modern costumes. Time of playing, two hours and a half. The scene of the action 
is laid on the New Jersey coast. The plot is of absorbing interest, the "business" 
effective, and the ingenious contrasts of comic and serious situations present a con- 
tinuous series of surprises for'the spectators, whose interest is increasingly maintained 
up to the final tableau. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. The Home of the Light-house Keeper. — An autumn afternoon. — 
The insult. — True to herself. — A fearle.'s heart. —The unwelcome guest. ^Only a 
foundling. — An abuse of confidence. — The new partner. — The compact. — The dead 
brought to life. — Saved from the wreck. — Legal advice. — Married for money.— A 
gi Men chance. — The intercepted letter. — A vision of wealth. — The forgery. — Within 
ail inch of his life.-^The rescue. — Tableau. 

Act II. Scene as befork ; time, night. — Dark clouds gathering. — Changing 
the jackets. — Father and son. — On duly. — A struggle for fortune. — Loved for himself. 
.—The diviied greenbacks. — The agreement. — An unhappy life. — The detective's mis- 
take. — Arrested. — Mistaken identity. — The likeness again. — On the right track — 1 he 
accident. — "Will she be saved ? " — Latour's bravery. — A noble sacrifice. — The secret 
meeting. — Another case of mistaken identity. — The murder. — " AVho did it ? "—The 
torn cuff. — "There stands the murderer!" — " 'Tis false!" — The wrong man mur- 
dered. — Who was the victim ? — Tableau. 

Act III. Two Days Later. — Plot and counterplot. — Gentleman and convict. — 
The price of her life. — Some new documents. — The divided banknotes. — Sunshine 
through the clouds. — Prepared for a watery grave — Deadly peril. — Fatherand daugh- 
ter. — The rising tide. — A life for a signature. — True unto death. — Saved. — The mys- 
tery solved. — Denouement. — Tableau. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS A'. SERRANO. 

PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female, and utilitj' characters: Leading juvenile man, first and 
second walking gentleman, two light comedians (lawyer and foreign adventurer), 
Dutch and Irish character comedians, villain, soldiers ; leading juvenile lady, walk- 
ing lady and comedienne. I'hree interior scenes ; modern and military costumes. 
Time of playing, two hours and a half. Apart from unusual interest of plot and skill 
of construction, the play affords an opportunity of representing the ]irogress of a 
real battle in the distance (though this is not necessary to the action). The comedy 
business is delicious, if well worked up, and a startling phase of the slavery question 
is sprung upon the audience in the List act. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. At Fort Lee, on the Hudson. — News from the war. — The meeting. 
— The colonel's strange romance. — Departing for the war. — The intrusted packet. — An 
honest man. — A last request.— Bitter hatred. — The dawn of love.— A northerner's 
sympathy for the South. — Is he a traitor? — Held in trust. — La Creole mine for sale. — 
Financial ;igents. — A brother's wrong. — An order to cross the enemy's lines. — For- 
tune's fool. — Love's penalty. — Man's independence. — Strange disclosures. — A sha- 
dowed life. — Beggared in pocket, and bankrupt in love. — His last chance. — The re- 
fusal. — Turned from home. — Alone, without a name — Off to the war. — Tableau. 

Act II. On the Battlefield. — An Iri'ihman's philosophy. — Unconscious of 
danger. — Spies in the camp. — The insult. — Risen from the ranks.— The colonel's prej- 
udice. — Letters from ho ne. — The plot to ruin. — A token of love. — True to him. — 
The plotters at work. — Breaking the seals.— The meeting of husband and wife. — A 
forlorn hope. — Doomed as a spy. — A struggle for lost honor. — A soldier's death.— 
Tableau. 

Act III. Before Richmond. — The home of Mrs. De Mori. — The two docu- 
ments. — A little misunderstanding. — A deserted wife. — The truth revealed. — Brought 
to light. — Mother and child. — Rowena's sacrifice. — The American Eagle spreads his 
wings. — The spider's web. — True to himself. — The reconciliation. — A long divided 
home reunited. — The close of the war. — Tableau. 



'Copies tnailedy postpaid, to any address^ on receipt of the annexed prices. 



UNCLE TOM'S CABIN (NEW version.) 

A MELODRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWN SEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, five female characters (some of the characters play two parts). 
Time of playing, ■2'% hours. 'X his ii a new acting editiun of a prime old favorite, 
so simplified in the stjge-setting as to be easily represented by dramatic clubs and 
travelling companies with limited scenery. UnCLS Tom's Cabin is a play that never 
grows old ; being pure and faultless, it commands the praise of the pulpit and sup- 
port of the press, while it enlists the favor of all Christians and heads of famili*. It 
will draw hundreds where other plays draw dozens, and therefore is sure to fill any hal'. 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I. — Scene I .—T\i<t Shelby plantation in Kentucky. — 
George and Eliza. — The curse of Slavery. — The resolve. — Off for Canada. — " I won't 
be taken — I'll die first." — Shelby ?nd Ifaley. — Uncle Tom and Harry must be sold. — 
The poor mother. — "Sell my boy!" — The faithful slave. Scene II. — Gumption 
Cute. — " By Gum • " — Marks, the lawyer. — A mid Yankee. — George in disguise. — A 
friend in need. — The human bloodhounds. — The escape. — " Hooray fer old Var- 
mount ! " 

Act II.— St. Clare's elegant home. — The fretful wife. — The arrival. — Little Eva. — 
Aunt Ophelia and Topsy. — " O, Golly! I'se so wicked!" — St. Clare's opinion. — 
" Benighted innocence." — The stolen gloves. — Topsy in her glory. 

Act III. — The angel child. — Tom .^nd St. Clare. — Top^y's mischief. — F.va's re- 
quest. — The promise. — pathetic scene. — Death of Eva. — St. Clare's grief. — " For thou 
art gone forever." 

Act IV. — The lonely house. — Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's keepsake. — Deacon 
Perry and Aunt Ophelia. — Cute on deck. — A distant relative. — The hungry visitor. — 
Chuck full of emptiness." — Cute and the Deacon. — A row. — A fight. — Topsy to the 
rescue. — St. Clare wounded. — Death of St. Clare. — "Eva — Eva — I am coming " 

Act V. — Legree's plantation on the Red River. — Home again. — Uncle Tom's 
noble heart. — " My soul ain't yours, Mas'r." — Legree'scruel work. — Legree andCassy. 
— The whiteslave. — A frightened brute. — Legree's fear. — A life of ."iin. — Marks and 
Cute. — A new scheme. — The dreadful whipping of Uncle Tom. — Legree punished at 
last.— De»th of Uncle Tom. — Eva in Heaven. 



THE WOVEN WEB. 



A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, three female characters, viz. : leading and second juvenile men, so- 
ciety villain, walking gentleman, eccentric comedian, old man, low comedian, leading 
juvenile lady, soubrette and old woman. Time of playing, zj^ hours. The Woven Web 
is a flawless drama, pure in thought and action, witli excellent characters, and pre- 
senting no difficulties in costumes or scenery. The story is captivating, with a plot 
of the most intense and unflagging interest, rising to a natur.->l climax of wonderful 
power. The wit is bright and sparkling, the action terse, sharp and mpid. In touch- 
ing the great chord of human sympathy, the author has expended that rare skill 
which has given life to every great play known to the stage. This play has been 
produced under the author's management with marked success, and will prove 
an unquestionable attraction wherever presented. 

Synopsis or Incidents: Act I.— Parkhurst & Manning's law office. New York. 
— Tim's opinion. — The young lawyer. — " Majah Billy Toby, sah ! " — Love and law. 
— Bright prospects. — Bertha's misfortune. — A false friend. — The will destroyed. — A 
cunning plot. — Weaving the web. — The unseen witness. — The letter. — Accused. — 
DishonDred. 

Act II. — Winter quarters. — Colonel Hastings and Sergeant Tim. — Moses. — A 
message. — Tim on his dignity. — The arrival. — Playing soldier. — The secret. — The 
promise. — Harry in danger. — Love and duty. — The promise kept. — "Saved, at the 
loss of my own honor ! " 

Act III. — Drawing-room at Falconer's. — Reading the news. — " Apply to Judy ! " 
— Louise's romance. — Important news. — Bertha's fears. — Leamington's arrival. — 
Drawing the web. — Threatened. — Plotting. — Harry and Bertha. — A fiendish lie. — F'acc 
to face. — " Do you know him ? " — Denounced. — " Your life shall be the penalty 1" — 
Startling tableau. 

Act IV. — At Uncle Toby's. — A wonderful climate. — An impudent rascal. — A bit 
of history.— Woman's wit. — Toby Indignant. — A quarrel. — Uncle Toby's evidence. — 
Leamington's last trump. — Good news. — Checkmated. — The telegram.— Breaking 
the web. — Sunshine at last. 

P^ Copies mailed, postpaid, to any address, on receipt 0/ the annexed prices. _^d 



ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION,— Continued, 

25. MURDER WILL OUT. A farce in one act. Six female characters. Time, 

thirty minutes. 
36. APRIL FOOLS. A farce in one act. Three male characters. Time, thirty 

minutes. 

27. OLD CRONIES. A comedietta in one act. Two male characters. 'I'ime, 
thirty minutes. 

28. CUT OFF WITH A SHILLING. A comedietta in one act. Two male, one 
female characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 

29. A CASE FOR EVICTION. A comedietta in one act. One male, two female 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. 

30. A HAPPY PAIR. A comedietta in one act. One male, one female characters. 
Time, forty-five minutes. 

31. UNCLE'S WILL. A comedietta in one act. Two male, one female charac- 
ters. Time, thirty minutes. 

32. POPPING THE QUESTION. A farce in one act. Two male, four female 
characters. Time, forty minutes. 

33. THAT RASCAL PAT. A farce in one act. Three male, two female charac- 
ters. Time, thirty minutes. 

•^4. SOLON SHINGLE. A comedy in two acts. Seven male, two female charac- 
ters. Time, one hour and a half. 

35. NOT SUCH A FOOL AS HE LOOKS. A comedy in three acts. Five 
male, four femaH characters. Time, two hours and a half. 

36. OUR BOYS. A comedy in three acts. Six male, four female characters. Time, 
two hours. 

37. CASTE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, three female characters. Time, 
two hours and half. 

38. HOME. A comedy in three acts. Four male, three female characters. Time, 
two hours. 

3g. MEG'S DIVERSION. A drama in two acts. Five male, three female charac- 
ters. Time, one hour and three quarters. 

40. MIRIAM'S CRIME. A drama in three acts. Five male, three female charac- 
ters. Time, two hours. 

41. BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in three acts. Nine male, three female 
characters. Time, two hours and a half. 

42. BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, 
three female characters. Time, two hours and a half. 

43. SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. Eight male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. 

44. A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedietta in one act. Four female charac- 
ters. Time, thirty minutes. 

45. ■WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six 
male characters. Time, thirty minutes. 

46. THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. 

47. SECOND SIGHT; OR, YOUR FORTUNE FOR A DOLLAR. A farce 
in one act. Four male, one female characters. Time, one hour. 

48. UNDER A CLOUD. A comedy-drama in two acts, Five male, two female 
characters. Time, one hour and a half. 

49. STRIFE. A comedy-drama in four acts. Nine male, four female characters. 
Time, two hours and a quarter. 

50. TRIED AND TRUE. A drama in three acts. Eight male, three female char- 
ters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 

SX. CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. A drama in prologue and three acts. Nine male, 

three female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 
52. TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR ROOM. New Copyright Version. A drama 

in five acts. Seven male, four female characters. Time, two hours. 

t^' Any o/the above will hi sent by inaii, post-paid, to any address, on receipt 
of the price, 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



TOWNSENl 

' ' AMATEUR THE A . ? ?y .l^s j^s e 

A Fraciical Guide for Amateur Actors. 
PRICE, 25 CENTS. 



This work, without a rival in the field of dramatic literature, covers the entire sub- 
ject of amateur acting, and answers the thousand and one questions that arise constantly 
to worry and perplex both actor and manager. It tells how to select plays and what 
play^ to select ; how to get up a dramatic club— whom to choose and whom to a\ oid ; 
how to select characters, >howing who should assume particular roles ; hew to rehearse 
a play properly — including stage business, by-play, voice, gestures, action, etc.; how to 
represent all the passions and emotions, from Love to Hate (this chapter is worth many 
times the price of the book, as the same information cannot be found in any similar 
work) ; how to costume modern plays. All is told in such a plain, simple style that 
the veriest tyro can understand. The details are so complete and the descriptions so 
clear that the mo^t inexperienced can follow them readily. The book is full of breezy 
anecdotes that illustrate different points. But its crowning merit is that it is thoroughly 
TKACTiCAL — it is the result of the author's long experience as an actor and manager. 
Every dramatic club in the land should possess a copy of this book, and no actor can 
afford to be without it. It contains so much valuable information that even old stagers 
will consult it with advantage. 

H ELM ER'S 

ACTOR'S MAKE-UP BOOK. 

A Praetieal and Systematic Guide to the Art of Making ii/> /or the Stage. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

Facial make-up has much to do with an actor's success. This manual is a perfect 
encyclopedia of a branch of knowledge most essential to all players. It is well written, 
systematic, exhaustive, practical, unique. Professional and amateur actors and act- 
resses alike pronounce it the best make-up book ever published. It is simply indis 
pensable to those who cannot command the services of a perruquier. 

CONTENTS. 

Chapter I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs and 
Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. Directions for 
Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

Chapter II. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of Crepe Hair. 
How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simulated. 

Chapter III. The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to make it. 
Perspiration during performance, how removed. 

Chapter IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease Paints in Slicks ; Flesh 
Cream ; Face Powder ; How to use Face Powder as a Liquid Cream ; The various shades 
of Face Powder. Water Cosmetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. 
Crepe Hair and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. " Old Man's" Rouge. 
*' Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. 
Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hare's Feet. Camel's-hair Brushes. 

Chapter V. The Features and their Treatment. — TheE'yes: Blindness. The 
Eyelids. The Eyebrows: How to paint out an eyebrow or mustache; How to paste 
on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eyebrows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appear- 
ance of the eyes. The Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose ; How to use the nose putty ; 
a pug nose; an African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in size. The Mouth 
and Lips: a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous mouth ; a satirical mouth ; a 
one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; a sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, 
Hands and Finger-nails : Finger-nails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
Tiess indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving Character. A Cut in the Face. A 
Thin Face made Fleshy. 

Chapter VI. Tvpicai. Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : Dimpled 
Cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunkard : One method ; another 
method. Old Ace. Negroes. Moors. Chinese. King Lear. Shylock. Macbeth. 
Richelieu. Statuary. Clowns. 

Chapter VII. Special Hints to Ladies.— The Make-up. Theatrical Wigs and 
Hair Goods. 

ZS^ Copies of the above viii be mailed, post-paid, to any address. Oft receipt of 
the annexed prices. ,,,^^ 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St.. New York. 



LIbHAHY OF CONGRESS 




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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 458 088 6 # 



